It is well known amongst Northwestern students that the University’s president, Morton Owen Schapiro, is, for all intents and purposes, a god among mere mortals. Those who admire and fear his clout often whisper his name in secluded corners of the sorority quad or the bowels of the Technological Institute or the basement of Norris, questioning if the legend is true. Did he really spend a summer translating ethnic slurs to Portuguese refugees in Angola when he was 10? Is the wildcat sound effect during Northwestern football games actually a recording of him yawning? Did he actually find Waldo AND Carmen Sandiego? As surely as Francis Church affirms the existence of Santa Claus, I am here to tell you, reader, that yes, Morton Schapiro has accomplished all that you’ve heard. And more.
Grew that beard in 27 seconds after pounding back 3 whiskey shots
After receiving his driver’s license when he was 16 days old, Morty Schapiro kicked the dust off his baby booties and decided to take on the big world. By age 3 he became the world’s youngest professional contortionist while living in an original Adolf Loos house in Austria. During his time there, Austrian tourism shot up by 348%. He was quickly relocated to the United States to serve as a consultant for the Federal Bureau of Investigations and took part in several covert operations with the Mexican government. Four months later he canoed to South Africa with only a can of Cheez Whiz and a ping-pong paddle as an oar. He made it in one day. After tutoring Steven Biko in public speaking and political activism, Schapiro made his way to Angola, and then to Tanzania, where he climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. Twice.
When he was fifteen, he worked in conjunction with the United States 56th Rescue Squadron in search and rescue missions throughout North Africa and southern Europe. Years later, his expertise in the field allowed him to single-handedly devise a plan to rescue the trapped Chilean miners, which he explained in a single text message. In his spare time, Morty traveled back to the United States to take the SATs, which he got a perfect score on after drinking two Four Lokos.
No kidding, 8-inches
During his years in college and graduate school, Morty spent his free time wooing women with his sensuous oboe and saxophone playing, though he was first chair violinist in the Philadelphia Orchestra on the weekends. In the same night he built a telescope in his dorm room (which was later used as a prototype for the Hubble Telescope), cooked 10-minute rice in 5 minutes, and drew a doodle, which would earn him an honorary degree from the Rhode Island School of Design. He got a perfect score on three exams the next morning. He read the Count of Monte Cristo and the Divine Comedy in an hour and was the only student in the history of University of Pennsylvania to earn a 4.8 GPA.
#24 even totally let his girlfriend spend a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Morty, just to be a nice guy
While studying abroad in France, he visited every exhibit of the Louvre in a day, and still had time to cook a four-course meal, using only a blender and toaster. He first discovered his love of economics after working with Benoit Mandelbrot on his paper, Fractals: Form, Chance and Dimension. The day before his return to the United States, a parade was held in his honor and he was awarded by President Valery d’Estaing “The Only American Loved by France.”
Morty Cat
In the years since, Morty has never ceased to amaze those who surround him. He has been nominated for two Oscars, a Grammy and every Nobel Prize. He was the source of inspiration for the Old Spice commercial character, plays tennis with Rafael Nadal every Wednesday, and knits onesie pajamas for needy children. He is impervious to Rickrolling. He’s never lost at Risk, is in perfect physical condition, has designed floral arrangements for several celebrity weddings, and makes a mean apple pie. Students revere him, Evanston aldermen cower in his presence, and the weather fluctuates according to his mood. He is mighty, he is kind, he is refined.
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Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The words in your article seem to be running off the screen in Opera.
I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know.
The design look great though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon.
[…] puts me in a difficult place, because I really don’t like disagreeing with His Royal Highness Morton O. Schapiro (you may think I use the word “royal” sarcastically, but damn, the man loves his purple). […]
[…] revelation that is sure to cause much consternation among the Northwestern student body, President Morty Schapiro released the details of a sweeping investigation into the University’s safeguards against a […]
[…] Alright, so now you should all be experts about Northwestern academics. Stay tuned for future installments of the Freshman Guide, where we intend to get to issues that truly matter, like how to sneak into the Keg and the true extent of Morty Schapiro’s supernatural powers. […]
[…] over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar […]
[…] episode of Archer at least five times. Stay up sporcling the hits of the 90s and debating how badly Morty would destroy Chuck Norris. Build forts in your dorm’s study areas with University property. […]
[…] Morty as a child6. Morton “Morty” Owen Schapiro The man could grow a full grown beard in first grade in the same time it took me to read a page of Good Night Moon. But for a more complete examination of his exploits in the early years of this man’s life, I suggest you reference Chloe Woodhouse’s expose on the legend himself. […]
[…] of reading week preparing for my Ancient Philosophy final, but if Stern could have some words with Morty re: my grades, that would be dandier than Sebastian […]
[…] This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, there is no one in the world that doesn’t owe Morty a gift. From Libyan rebels who President Schapiro helped when he killed Qaddafi to rural Congolese […]
[…] is named the 16th president of Northwestern University. At this point, little was known about the man’s past, but the whole world would soon know of Morty’s legend: his unthinkable assortment of purple […]
[…] his shirt off!?Morgasm The collective release of tension experienced by Northwestern students when Morty saved the brothels. It’s like a combination of pure unadulterated admiration mixed with relief […]
[…] miss the one nice day each year out on the lakefill. And I think I’ll miss you most of all, Morty. But it’s really time for me to go. There are pool parties for me to attend. Damn this is a sexy […]
[…] 7. Flip Cup The two teams will play a best of five (5) tournament of flip cup. The winning team will be awarded twenty (20) points. If a team wins in four (4) games, they will be awarded twenty-five (25) points, and if a team wins in three (3) games, they will be awarded thirty (30) points. Throughout the competition, the two teams must debate each other regarding one of four potential topics: partial-birth abortion, affirmative action, the causes and consequences of the Arab Spring, or the sexual capacity of President Morty Schapiro. […]
[…] no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the […]
[…] want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song […]
[…] NU's revenue comes from my expenditures at the Norris Crepe StationYes, Beyoncé is talking about Morty’s endowment. Northwestern’s endowment for 2011 was over $7 […]
[…] in an announcement released just after the maelstrom blew up his newsfeed, President Morty Schapiro announced a bold and ambitious plan that is certain to bring once-troubled campus race relations to […]
[…] and the train who doesn’t win will be destroyed. Holy shit. That’d be like if Morty made you compete with the kid who sits next to you for midterm grades, and then if you lost SENT […]
[…] not the grade you want so you accuse them of giving you a lower grade because you whipped out your Schapiro after discussion section. And no one wants […]
[…] Schapiro Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann […]
[…] legend Bruce Springsteen will not perform next month at A&O Blowout, University President Morton Schapiro announced during this morning’s freshman […]
[…] buying a Ms. Pacman arcade machine, or a hitman to kill off everyone who has ever been a threat to Morty Schapiro’s continued occupation of the #1 spot on the list of most BAMF individuals. However, it […]
[…] hallucination on his way from CVS to his home in Sargent. On his way, he encounters Morty Schapiro, who gives him a magical souvenir key ring whose jingle can only be heard by Wildcats who truly […]
[…] wrecking shit (after all, Sheridan and Sherman are more than street names, and let’s not forget Morty himself). And again NU courts controversy, since “Mexican” and “border” get along today as […]
[…] coldest days of the year on record, Northwestern University’s unshakable emotional rock, President Morty Schapiro, has evidently been wracked by the cold weather according to sources in the Rebecca Crown […]
[…] that the future may bring? The only things that are certain in this life are Dillo Day and Morty. Stick with us, and let’s see what heinous the future has in […]
[…] Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview. Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he […]
[…] more important than the future of Northwestern University and its students, university president Morton Schapiro announced plans to break ground on Northwestern’s newest massive inconvenience by Fall of […]
[…] even close here. With 26% of the vote, the winner was: Morty Schapiro. Pretty boys Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon-Levitt didn’t stand a chance against the man whose […]
[…] want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song […]
your good
my son is a lot better than you think,
Morty’s real mom
so good
Hi, I do think this is a great site. I stumbledupon it 😉 I
may return once again since I book marked it. Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you be rich and continue to guide
others.
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Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The words in your article seem to be running off the screen in Opera.
I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know.
The design look great though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon.
Cheers