For Whom the Fucksaw Drilldos

3 Mar

It is oddly refreshing to not have to hyperbolize a situation in order to bring out its humor. The recent events surrounding Professor John Michael Bailey, his Human Sexuality course, and one high-powered sex toy has become a comedic gift that keeps on giving.

More sex-machine than sex-toy

Thanks to the Daily Northwestern’s article published last Tuesday, the incident, which occurred on February 21st, has once more thrust Northwestern University into the national spotlight.

The optional presentation last Monday, attended by about 120 students, featured a naked non-student woman being repeatedly sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm by the sex toy, referred to as a “fucksaw.” The device is essentially a motorized phallus.

The presentation on kink and fetish was one of numerous optional after-lecture sessions in Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, which repeatedly penetrates the depths of human sexuality in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of the human condition. In an attempt to prove that the female orgasm was a real phenomenon (a worthy goal, considering that no woman has ever experienced a true orgasm until she spends a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Sherman Ave resident sexpert Norman Stein), the presenters Jim Marcus, Faith Kroll, and Ken Melvoin-Berg did what any reasonable human being would do in the situation:

Marcus pulled out a mechanized power tool with a dildo in place of the saw, and began going to town on his naked fiance Kroll in front of about 120 psych students, all while Melvoin-Berg loudly narrated into the microphone. Friend of the Ave Sean Lavery, who witnessed the event, said, “It shocked me. Immediately I got on Facebook. Like, wow, there’s a girl being penetrated right in front of me.” Lucky Sean.

Jim Marcus and Faith Kroll, presumably after a routine fucksawing

Ever since the Daily Northwestern published its article about the incident, the national news media has gotten more stirred up about it than a roomful of randy archaeologists watching pterodactyl porn (Google it if you must. We’ve ruffled too many feathers to worry about linking to porn on this website as well). While local reporters swarmed into Evanston, national publications like Newsweek, Gawker, Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, and even the BBC ran articles about the demonstration in Bailey’s class. Not bad for a school whose past national scandals include drunk undergrads yelling at bible-thumpers about bl**jobs, blackface Halloween parties, and Chet Haze.

According to Professor Bailey,

“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but watching naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you.”

Watching naked people on stage might not hurt you, but getting fired sure can

He may not rhyme, he might claim that transgender men are driven by erotic fascination rather than biological desire, and he did allow for a woman to be repeatedly penetrated by a fucksaw on the same stage that Professor Morson uses for to lecture on Tolstoy and that multiple performance groups use for shows. But he never crossed a line, although he did walk right up the line and shake his ridiculous motorized sex toy at it. In a class devoted to educating students on the whole spectrum of human sex, how can an optional post-lecture session that is no less graphic than certain visual components of Bailey’s class be viewed as harmful?

Still, it’s pretty hilarious that a chick got drilldo’d live on stage.

21 Responses to “For Whom the Fucksaw Drilldos”

  1. Barbara Smith March 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    The “apology” was really a taunt — the Prof claimed that no one presented true arguments. How about this: (1) the female subject said it was an experiment — does the Prof not know about rules on testing human subjects? (2) she also states that she is an exhibitionist — what are the standards for using university resources for her gratification? and (3) the Prof defends this as voluntary — but any consent must be informed consent — did he tell students that they would be part of her act, or that this was a violation of testing protocols that he would be demonstrating?


  1. 7 Movies That (sadly) Never Came to Fruition « Sherman Ave - April 6, 2011

    […] Love the Fucksaw Kubrick’s dark comedy exploring the absurd circumstances leading up to that catastrophic event. Set in black and white, the film would star comedic icon Peter Sellers, who would play the roles […]

  2. Guess Who’s Back? « Sherman Ave - June 28, 2011

    […] unjustifiably expensive university, another hot topic of spring quarter was the cancellation of the Human Sexuality course for its use of a fucksaw (a word that should be making its way into the Oxford English Dictionary […]

  3. The 5 Worst Celebrity Endorsements of All Time « Sherman Ave - June 30, 2011

    […] a professor at Northwestern University who made international news for allowing the use of a fucksaw in an after-class demonstration to prove to students that – contrary to popular belief – […]

  4. 10 American Historical Events That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed « Sherman Ave - July 7, 2011

    […] -Peter Stein (with contributions from Stephen Rees) […]

  5. Brazil Sucks « Sherman Ave - July 12, 2011

    […] Dilma Rousseff, is a notorious twatmuffin who reminds me of a combination of Casey Anthony and a drilldo. Other notable fuckballs from the country include soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo and dictator […]

  6. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Academics « Sherman Ave - August 10, 2011

    […] Find out if the class involves live sex demonstrations. The information might come in handy in the […]

  7. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends « Sherman Ave - September 4, 2011

    […] is, who would win in a mudwrestling fight: Clarence Thomas or Ruth Bader Ginsburg armed with a fucksaw, or whether they would rather obliterate oral sex or cheese from the face of the Earth. Note all […]

  8. 5 Ways Northwestern Can Become More Popular Than Harvard « Sherman Ave - September 5, 2011

    […] SCHOOL. This year, we managed a fair amount of publicity – when there weren’t exhibitionists fucksawing each other in an after-class demonstration, our university’s president was in Libya trying to […]

  9. 7 Things You Miss About Being at Northwestern « Sherman Ave - December 14, 2011

    […] Self-Gratification Jokes Do you want to know how many times I’ve wanted to make a comment about fucksaws and masturbating in the showers in the three days I’ve been home? A LOT. Do you know how many […]

  10. Holiday Guide: NU Gift Ideas For Your Favorite Wildcat « Sherman Ave - December 19, 2011

    […] Fucksaw Admit it: you have those days. You’re hornier than a two-peckered triceratops, but too tired to go all the way up north to flirt your way into some frat bro’s lovestained man-cave and too classy to booty text your “It’s Complicated” on the fourth floor. Hell, you don’t want to deal with people at all. This is why sex toys exist. Remember: nothing says Wildcat Pride like a decently sized purple drilldo. […]

  11. An ode to Northwestern memes « Sherman Ave - February 10, 2012

    […] mile a minute now, so maybe one slipped by me, but I have yet to see a single meme mention a single fucksaw. What’s the deal, Northwestern? Jokes about Asians are funny enough, but “I’m tired of […]

  12. Shurned Out: Riding the Bubble at Northwestern « Sherman Ave - February 23, 2012

    […] But Michigan comes roaring back from halftime. They just keep hocking up threes, and most of them seem to go in. Before we know it, Vogrich has nailed a three, Burke’s gone in for an easy layup, and Michigan’s ahead 41-38. Things are crashing down around us like the fallout from an afterschool sex-toy demonstration. […]

  13. An Analysis of Hunger Games Based Entirely On The Movie Poster « Sherman Ave - March 27, 2012

    […] that one of the posters said, “The World Will Be Watching.” This can only mean one thing: public sex demonstrations. They seem to be in the middle of an arena and there are televisions, so they probably have sex in […]

  14. Morty declares all party themes must be directed through the Student Affairs Office « Sherman Ave - April 24, 2012

    […] Professor John Michael Bailey concurred with Dean Burgwell, citing race relations at Northwestern as “totally one of the most embarrassing controversies to hit this school in the past two years or so… AMIRITE GUYS???” […]

  15. The Sherman Ave Corollary | Sherman Ave - February 25, 2013

    […] so long as somebody or something becomes momentarily interesting, such as Rebecca Black or a motorized drilldo, Sherman Ave gets to ride one hell of a lecherous […]

  16. An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day | Sherman Ave - May 30, 2013

    […] HEARD about the acts you’ve been booking. We’ve heard, and we REMEMBER when you said that the fucksaw would be the last time any live sex acts are performed on a stage at Northwestern. AND THEN YOU GO […]

  17. 4 Places That Are Worse Than Detroit | Sherman Ave - July 26, 2013

    […] to repeat any more ancient adages about Tech; they’re not witty and are as stale and over-used as Fucksaw jokes; and quite frankly it’s summer and I haven’t had personal physical contact with anyone my […]

  18. Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Demetri Elias | Sherman Ave - September 24, 2013

    […] Do you remember that time a fucksaw was used in a live in-class demonstration? Wasn’t that […]

  19. An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018 | Sherman Ave - December 13, 2013

    […] what a Medilldo is. And a fucksaw. Just in general, learn to appreciate the art of […]

  20. 2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review | Sherman Ave - December 31, 2013

    […] Inventor of the AK-47, statistically the deadliest weapon in human history. It was even more dangerous than the AK-46, which a Northwestern University professor once sampled in an after-class demonstration. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: