Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of Evanston

13 Aug

If you're 20, you're probably too old to go in here.

The Keg of Evanston, referred to fondly in some social circles as merely “The Keg,” is a fine establishment that will undoubtedly be an integral part of every freshman’s awkward array of gruesome events. Located only a few blocks off campus (close enough to be convenient, far enough to facilitate some of the most trying late-night walks in recorded history), the KOE is consistently ranked as one of the nation’s top college bars, inaccurately giving validation to Northwestern’s lamentable social scene. The Keg is like Mount Doom – at first, the thought of it is very intimidating, but if you can manage to get inside of it, you run the risk of having a ruefully unattractive creature bite your finger off.

The Keg: Where skunked beer flows like wine

This presents the first paradox of The Keg – How does one get in without being of age? I will choose to answer that question with a question: Have you ever been through airport security in Peru? Because they share a similar level of difficulty. Essentially, there are two ways to get inside The Keg. 1. Sneak in. It may sound risky, but if you were able to maneuver through a Playplace as a toddler, you’ll be more than capable of getting through a gaping hole in a wooden fence. Option 2: Find an ID to get in. It also may sound risky, but as long as you have a Wildcard or an ID of anyone of legal age (regardless of their race or gender), you have nothing to fear. Last time I got into The Keg, it was with the ID of someone 9 years older, 4 inches shorter, and 40 pounds lighter than me.

So now you may be wondering what happens once you get into The Keg. Fortunately, I have outlined four non-exclusive Keg strategies, or Kategies.

Big Cup Mondays!

KATEGY 1: Drink To The Point Of Flagrant Heinousness
To be honest, you’ve made a mistake if you aren’t already unthinkably belligerent when you enter the hallowed halls/fence of The Keg. The Keg experience can be likened to an Animal Planet special – it’s an opportunity to witness the most primal instincts of our species, regardless of what social mores may be demolished in the process. Such an event is much better understood from the perspective of someone 8 shots deep. Furthermore, so much of what happens in the KOE is only applicable to the smashed demographic. Namely, the stripper poles.

KATEGY 2: Dance To The Point Of Flagrant Heinousness
Let’s face it – the KOE isn’t really a haven for diverse activities. You can basically drink and dance. Not great at dancing? You’ll be fine. Most of the honorable patrons of The Keg are too busy watching their friends mack on 45-year-old sex offenders to laugh at your disturbingly Caucasian rendition of “The Sprinkler.” The Keg is an excellent place to stop worrying, be yourself, and not fear judgment of others; it’s kind of like church.

KATEGY 3: Hook Up To The Point of Flagrant Heinousness
No one comes to The Keg without at least some distant desire to get their freak on. I mean, who doesn’t want to ferociously make out with tanked sorority girls on a sweaty dance floor composed primarily of students and old men? So put the moves on and waste no time shoving your atrocious tongue down someone else’s atrocious throat.


Conveniently situated right next to the couple hooking up on the pool table.

KATEGY 4: Eat Free Popcorn To The Point of Flagrant Heinousness
A veritable fallback indeed. If you aren’t drunk enough, don’t want to dance, and somehow manage to see perversion in slobbering all over every stumbling dame you lay your eyes on, The KOE’s free popcorn is the obvious alternative. Free. No strings attached (other than the fact that you have to consume it alongside a purely offensive display of social behavior). However, this strategy is not advised, because – well, let’s put it this way. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in The Keg, do as an illegitimate child of Paris Hilton and Chet Haze does.

I cannot stress enough that these four kategies are completely non-exclusive. A concoction of all four kategies will certainly make for a satisfying night at The Keg. However, these four kategies will provide you with a solid foundation to comprehend the full scope of what is offered at The Keg. What really matters is that “flagrant heinousness” is absolutely inevitable.

Other fun Keg facts:

  • The MonKeg (Monday night Keg) and SatKeg (Saturday night Keg) are the two busiest nights of the week.  If you go any other night of the week, you’ll probably find yourself amidst a post-practice bonding session for a local bowling club.
  • Kellogg Night is another frequent event at the KOE.  You should probably stay away from that until you’ve mastered all four kategies, or else you’ll find yourself being the booty call of a 35-year-old aspiring CEO with two children.
  • The Keg often hosts fundraisers.  This factoid is not worth trying to understand.
  • There are many ways to enjoy The Keg without actually going inside.  A personal favorite is to hover outside The Keg on a snowy winter night and watch while Thetas attempt to navigate the slippery sidewalk with 6-inch stilettos. 

34 Responses to “Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of Evanston”

  1. Jasemin September 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    Great hammer of Thor, that is powefurlly helpful!


  1. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burger King « Sherman Ave - August 17, 2011

    […] The convergence point is the magical time when students from all origins of inebriation – The Keg, the frat houses, off-campus parties, or even the 4th floor of Allison –triumphantly converge […]

  2. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Party Like a Wildcat « Sherman Ave - August 22, 2011

    […] life is in many ways the center of the Northwestern party scene. For information on bars, head over here. There are, however, a good number of apartment parties as well. If it’s a small thing and you […]

  3. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Hooking Up « Sherman Ave - August 22, 2011

    […] from the scene, preferably with the level of subtlety that can only be found at the vaunted Keg. Beds, couches, beaches, gardens, hammocks, inflatable bouncy castles, the library, and roofs are […]

  4. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Campus « Sherman Ave - August 23, 2011

    […] Superbad with your parents, combine it with that time Severus Snape’s doppelganger was lurking at The Keg, multiply that by twenty, and that’s roughly how awkward it’s going to be. However, one […]

  5. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How To Not End Up in the Back of Some Guy’s Van « Sherman Ave - August 24, 2011

    […] second situation occurs when you are dancing with a group of friends, perhaps at The Keg. In this scenario, the guy will wordlessly come up behind you and start dancing on you. Unless you […]

  6. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dorm Life « Sherman Ave - August 26, 2011

    […] -Ross Packingham and Stephen Rees Eco World Content From Across The Internet. Featured on EcoPressed 13-Year-Old Designs Efficient Solar Array Inspired By Oak Trees Damn this is a sexy piece of online literature! Share This:EmailFacebookStumbleUponPrintTwitterLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

  7. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston « Sherman Ave - August 30, 2011

    […] in Evanston will assist you in your efforts to take advantage of the city (omitting Burger King and The Keg, since we’ve already explained their glorious […]

  8. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends « Sherman Ave - September 4, 2011

    […] Keg – I’ve never actually heard of friendships forming at The Keg — unless you count a repeat dance-floor hookup as a friendship — but there’s […]

  9. 5 Reasonable but Merciless Alternatives to the Death Penalty « Sherman Ave - September 27, 2011

    […] is this a Wildcard?2. Community Service at The Keg of Evanston You might be thinking, “But the KOE is a jolly place! I love going there!” However, imagine being at The Keg and not being allowed to […]

  10. Top 10 Least Advisable Halloween Costumes « Sherman Ave - October 26, 2011

    […] protest inequality at an elite institution. Besides, it’s much easier and enjoyable to occupy The Keg than it is to stand outside of Kellogg in the Chicago fall to protest the future I-bankers of […]

  11. The 5 Historical Figures You’d Least Like To See at a Frat Party « Sherman Ave - November 2, 2011

    […] it’s probable that he would not be satisfied by frat parties, and would find it necessary to go The Keg afterwards – another establishment that is already too crowded and doesn’t need yet another […]

  12. Five Things Not To Do While Making Out « Sherman Ave - December 7, 2011

    […] many-a-can of PBR over the course of the night. You see a lovely looking potential lover across the Keg dance floor right behind the stripper pole. They shoot you an inviting stare with their glazed […]

  13. Places You Shouldn’t Meet a Girl « Sherman Ave - December 8, 2011

    […] plotting the best way to get you to buy her a drinkYou met her at the Keg. Now, no one is criticizing you for lacerating some girl’s uvula on a beer and Long Island soaked […]

  14. Interviews: A Zombie « Sherman Ave - December 11, 2011

    […] just unresponsive.* When I eventually came to, I felt worse than freshmen sorostitutes on a post-Keg Tuesday morning, and I had a mad case of the munchies. Basically, the Bokor had knocked me out and […]

  15. Who You Shouldn’t Be Buying Christmas Presents For « Sherman Ave - December 13, 2011

    […] entails more one-on-one contact than seeing someone’s Wildcard on a bi-weekly basis. Otherwise a Keg bouncer would have more personal relationships than Herman Cain at a Victoria’s […]

  16. 7 Things You Miss About Being at Northwestern « Sherman Ave - December 14, 2011

    […] everyone at Northwestern. Only at Northwestern will you have friends that are stumbling outside the Keg one day and then intensely developing a Chemical Engineering program the next. Your friends at NU […]

  17. New Year’s Eve Checklist « Sherman Ave - December 31, 2011

    […] her for this whole party. She wants you. Just try to keep it classy and remember you’re not in the keg anymore, and there’s a decent chance that she actually knows where you […]

  18. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dorm Life « Sherman Ave - January 8, 2012

    […] -Ross Packingham and Evander Jones Damn this is a sexy piece of online literature! Share This:EmailFacebookStumbleUponPrintTwitterLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

  19. Introducing: The Sherman Ave Swag Shoppe « Sherman Ave - January 30, 2012

    […] We’ve got it. Want to proudly display your affection for Morty or underage drinking at the Keg? We’ve got just the shirts for […]

  20. Reflections on The Keg, The Afterlife, and Mayor Tisdahl’s Raging Vagina « Sherman Ave - January 30, 2012

    […] Mayor Tisdahl's Raging VaginaHate A Random Country: IcelandIntroducing: The Sherman Ave Swag ShoppeSherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of EvanstonFreshman GuideAbout10 Cartoon Characters We Can't Help but be Attracted ToFamous Moments in Hook Up […]

  21. Reflections on The Keg, The Afterlife, and Mayor Tisdahl’s Raging Vagina « Sherman Ave - January 30, 2012

    […] Mayor Tisdahl's Raging VaginaHate A Random Country: IcelandIntroducing: The Sherman Ave Swag ShoppeSherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of EvanstonFreshman Guide10 Cartoon Characters We Can't Help but be Attracted ToFamous Moments in Hook Up […]

  22. Simon Rants About The Keg « Sherman Ave - January 31, 2012

    […] I’m the kind of drinker that likes two things: booze, and lots of it. I’ve been to the Keg maybe five times, and while I can’t claim to have had the best time, I’m pretty sure […]

  23. New Locations for The Keg of Evanston « Sherman Ave - February 8, 2012

    […] do with their lives. While fifty-cent wing Wednesdays does sound appealing, I don’t think that The Keg is going to be surviving on their lunch menu. Accordingly to the rulebook, The Keg isn’t allowed […]

  24. Do you love us now, Evanston? « Sherman Ave - March 6, 2012

    […] we kept trying. You told us you didn’t like what we did on Monday nights, so we stood by as you took away our collective mental health break. Headed to the library instead. […]

  25. Other Potential Uses for the NU Emergency Notification System « Sherman Ave - July 17, 2012

    […] If only there was somebody besides your wingwoman frantically gesticulating in the corner of the Keg to warn you that the dude currently grinding into your junk looks like a cross between Joakim Noah […]

  26. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Libations at NU « Sherman Ave - July 18, 2012

    […] a huge selection of craft and local beers and they’re great. The Keg is…. The Keg, so you can read up on that. Bar Louie is only worth it for the monthly drink special, the dollar burgers on Tuesdays and the […]

  27. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Bicycles at NU « Sherman Ave - August 14, 2012

    […] It was a correct accusation, but it was clear from his behavior that he has no life and goes to the Keg to enjoy the company of townies and has never been laid (I’m not sure what the difference is […]

  28. Herds of Wild Buffalo Seen Roaming Evanston Searching for Parties « Sherman Ave - September 24, 2012

    […] no comment on the incident, only asking the police force to prevent the herds from coalescing at The Keg of Evanston, and further asking that any especially intoxicated buffalo be summarily tranquilized and […]

  29. Sherman Ave’s Dating Profile « Sherman Ave - November 14, 2012

    […] a child asked you “what is sex?” how would you address the question? I would take the kid to TKOE and let them observe, then I’d say, “This dancing, only without clothes. Well, usually. No […]

  30. Besides closing The Keg, what else has Mayor Tisdahl achieved? « Sherman Ave - November 14, 2012

    […] Evanston mayor Elizabeth “Lizzly the Grizzly” Tisdahl claimed that “closing down The Keg was one of the best things [she had] ever done.”  Needless to say, this inflammatory […]

  31. Pledge Family Divorce Leaves Freshman Girl Lost | Sherman Ave - March 11, 2013

    […] anonymous because of the sensitive nature of the matter, the freshman was last seen bawling outside the Keg last Saturday night. After an interview, sources discovered that the sororotastic freshman had […]

  32. Keg Week 2013: The Eulogy | Sherman Ave - April 8, 2013

    […] week ago Sunday, The Keg of Evanston closed its doors for the very last time. Tonight we conclude our Keg Week 2013 with what […]

  33. 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results | Sherman Ave - January 1, 2014

    […] 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: