Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How To Not End Up in the Back of Some Guy’s Van

24 Aug

"So... want to go back to my place tonight?"

One of the most difficult dilemmas of Welcome Week for new Wildkittens is ascertaining whether the cutie who just started chatting them up is just a freshie looking for a friend or a sketchy character, commonly referred to as a “creeper,” who’s looking for a slampiece. By the time these sleazeballs gather the composure to approach, you will probably have downed at least 3 cups of jungle juice, played slap the bag, and polished off a few half empty beers from some random table. So here’s a few thoughts to keep in mind when trying to ward off Sketchensteins.

Rethink that sheer crop top and tight skirt
We get it. You probably only have a few more years to be 120 lbs. and have a great set of 34Cs until your body is destroyed by child bearing and refined carbohydrates. It’s only natural to want to put on something tight and revealing so that 15 years from now you can flip through your Facebook albums with pride between dropping off the kids at soccer and making your husband sandwiches. When choosing slutastic outfits, however, keep in mind that creepers will flock to you like a Kardashian to a moderately talented professional athlete. Anything tight, sheer, neon, cropped, push-up, lace, crochet, high-heeled, backless, or low cut will signal to a weirdo that you are open to sexual engagement. The best advice I can give is to dress like you would for a funeral in Soviet Russia: muted colors, shoulder to ankle coverage, and lots of layers.

A creeper will never fail to pounce on a target like this

Recognize the signs
Like a lioness stalking a herd of zebra, the creeper has one goal: to single out the weakest in the heard. While penicillin is the best medicine for syphilis, prevention is truly the best medicine when it comes to eluding a future Jersey Shore cast member. There are two situations in which a creeper is most likely to approach: while you are a.) standing alone or b.) dancing in a group.

The girl standing alone is the gimpy baby zebra of targets. No one comes to a party to brood in a corner with a can of Busch light. This makes you an easy target, because the scumbag will see you as desperate to talk to anyone, and let’s face it, you probably are. Do not fall into his trap.

The second situation occurs when you are dancing with a group of friends, perhaps at The Keg. In this scenario, the guy will wordlessly come up behind you and start dancing on you. Unless you want to wake up in the dude’s basement in Skokie, get away now. Exit strategies will be discussed in the next section.

Dance floor hookups are so not fetch

Get a posse
Your posse does the opposite of a wingman’s job. They ensure that any creeper who approaches you is removed in a polite but timely manner. The key here is to set a strict time limit (I recommend roughly 6 minutes). At that point, the creepee should signal (I recommend using the hand motion from Zoom) to the posse that she has come in contact with a creeper, and the posse should surround the creeper until he feels uncomfortable and leaves. If the creeper’s true identity is not yet obvious and the creepee begins to hook up with him, it is also the duty of the posse to check on their friend within the first 10 minutes of said hookup to save her. It is worth noting that it is most helpful if your posse consists of females. Males tend to abandon you in the presence of a creeper and try to high five you as you emerge, humiliated, from an awkward dance floor hookup (looking at you, Sir Edward Twattingworth III).

It never hurts to have multiple fake identities

Hi, I’m Abigail Adams-Montenegro
Once you’ve learned how to recognize a creeper early, you can successfully banish him for good. When he asks for your phone number, which he will, either a.) give him your actual number with 2 of the digits transposed so if you happen to see him again you can claim he entered it into his phone incorrectly, or b.) give him the phone number of that bitch from your high school history class who you’ll never see again. The same principle can be applied when he asks for your name. For example, you can invent a whole new personality for yourself and call her, say “Abigail Adaims-Montenegro,” or you can introduce yourself as “Hannah Browning” when your real name is “Hannah Brownson” and blame it on the alcohol later. Of course, when using a fake name and number, there is always the risk of running into him in your Econ discussion spring quarter, so exercise with caution.

Statistically speaking, about 63.4% of the people who approach you during Welcome Week will be creepers looking to prey on unsuspecting freshmen. Adhering to these simple rules will help prevent you from having to sprint from some apartment on Noyes to your very first meeting with your faculty adviser wearing nothing but last night’s smeared mascara and a pair of stilettos.

6 Responses to “Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How To Not End Up in the Back of Some Guy’s Van”

  1. George Gittings September 18, 2011 at 9:12 am #

    Good points

  2. Mike September 18, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Whoever wrote this seems hot.


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