The Best Things About Northwestern

29 Aug

After reading through the rest of this freshman guide, you may be wondering, “What have I gotten myself into? Isn’t heinousness a bad thing? And how awkward are tits, exactly?” Only experience will answer you, but here are three reasons why you shouldn’t drop out before you get to campus:

Unbridled Nerdiness

Chances are, if you’re going to Northwestern, there is at least a small inner part of you that is a massive dork. And now you can let that part fly free, like a glorious bespectacled eagle. I’m pretty sure it is literally against Northwestern policy to dislike Harry Potter.

The Student Code of Conduct forbids dissent.

Even Sherman Ave writers, patrons of the art of raging, have spent weekend nights building forts, watching Pixar movies, doing problem sets while eating Nutella off a spoon, hosting TSwift dance parties, Sporcling, and creating lip-sync videos to “Put Your Records On” (though there may have been a certain influence involved with that last one).

The influence of AWESOME.

You may not realize the extent to which this school puts the nerd in Nerdwestern until finals week, when people’s “crazy stories” rapidly switch from “last night I ran from the cops covered in only purple paint” to “and then we camped out in Periodicals overnight!” You will find yourself getting in territorial disputes over seats in the library (For future reference, African Stacks is Sherman Ave territory #getouttatherebitches).  You will use Econ metaphors in daily speech. And you will love it.

You didn't recognize the LOTR quote. YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US.

There’s Always Something to Do

 Entering college, you will quickly reach a point where you absolutely cannot fathom how you spent seven hours a day in class. And yet your level of sleep deprivation remains the same. That’s because between making frands, exploring campus (don’t worry, you’ll figure out the roofs and tunnels soon enough), and mastering the soon-to-be-Olympic-sport of slapcup, NU will keep you busy.

There are also an obnoxious number of student groups on campus, so whether you want to be part of the swagtastic eyegasm that is Fusion Dance Company or feel like a decent human being by joining Oxfam NU, go ahead and sign up for everything that interests you. Don’t worry, club leaders are used to the drastic plunge in numbers around week three of school, scientifically proven to be the point at which freshmen enter reality.

You could also always start studying for your next midterm. At most, it's only two weeks away. Thanks, quarter system!


Lots of Friends, Minimal Judgment

While this is admittedly coming from someone who has only ever hooked up with Ivy League students, Northwestern is really not an elitist place. In fact, get ready to open your mind like Paris Hilton opens her legs, because if you don’t make friends here who lead significantly different lifestyles from you in some way, you probably haven’t made enough friends. This also means that, as a general rule, you’ll find people who will respect your choices – whether that choice is walk-of-shaming home in an outfit that is 90% socks or watching cat videos on YouTube until 2am.

Or both. On the same night. #bestofbothworlds

But in all seriousness, college is where you figure out who you are, so there’s no point being someone you’re not. No matter your race, religion, or preferred brand of sexual organ, NU is really only intolerant of intolerance. So ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the Fourth of July.

3 Responses to “The Best Things About Northwestern”

  1. Not Chase August 30, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    I believe “slapcup” is more properly referred to as “Mordor”

    • Not Chloe August 30, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

      Actually, I believe that the true name is “To Mordor,” you stupid fucking twatmonkey of a cum dumpster.


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