Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston

30 Aug

After immersing yourself for a few weeks in the infamous college lifestyle, you’ll be surprised to discover that – just a few blocks from that wall of Jones on which you triumphantly urinated – there is a real city with real people. As easy as it is to be insulated in Northwestern’s spectacular campus, the city of Evanston is a great resource. The following comprehensive guide to key businesses in Evanston will assist you in your efforts to take advantage of the city (omitting Burger King and The Keg, since we’ve already explained their glorious nature).

Be sure and befriend the homeless men sitting outside

This is where you will do your grocery shopping. Now you might be thinking, “But CVS isn’t a grocery store.” Exactly. Once you move into your dorm, the word “grocery” refers exclusively to $.99 2-liter bottles of CVS-brand “Gold Emblem” soda to mix with alcohol. Sadly, you’ll mix it with the alcohol because the alcohol makes it more palatable.

CVS is also a great location to observe that one kid from your history discussion section awkwardly purchasing a pack of Magnum condoms from a middle-aged overweight cashier.

7/11’s 24-hour schedule makes it a crucial spot for students. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or an “Ultimate Beer Pong Kit” (or both, if you’re especially heinous), Sevy Levy has anything you could ever need, or at least anything you could ever need after midnight. Additionally, the employees are always good for a laugh. When the old Indian guy isn’t singing along to “Rollin’ in the Deep” under his breath, the young Indian guy is usually inappropriately placing fruit in his zipper to make a “Bananaphone.”

Yes, the Pineapple Fried Rice COMES IN A FUCKING PINEAPPLE!!!

Joy-Yee’s is one of the more well-known Asian restaurants in Evanston. A plate will probably cost you about $10, but the food is scrum-diddley-fucking-umptuous, and one serving could feed a large Congolese family. The TV sets tuned to Chinese television and the table to your left taking shots of Sriracha sauce only adds to the ambiance. However, I strongly advise against eating at Joy-Yee’s on the Chinese New Year. I made that poor decision, and it resulted in me sitting through a twenty-minute show involving Asian men dressed like dragons banging on really fucking loud drums.

Papa John’s
You can only comprehend the importance of Papa John’s by attending school here. If you make it 2 weeks without having their number on speed dial, I’ll be quite impressed.

About a block off campus. That’s all you really need to know.

Ennui encapsulated by two perfectly-toasted buns

Edzo’s is a delicious hole-in-the-wall burger joint in downtown Evanston. Sherman Ave favorites include a char burger with truffle fries and a nutella shake. They’re only open for lunch, which is probably good; no one could survive two immeasurable orgasms in one day.

Cozy Noodles
While being a bit of a hike from campus, Cozy Noodles is arguably the most popular BYOB restaurant in Evanston. Needless to say, this makes Cozy a hot-spot for many Northwestern students looking to pregame their pregames. That being said, it is ill-advised to go to Cozy if you aren’t planning to get a bit belligerent, lest you have to endure some drunken twatmonkey shamelessly belting The Script for 30 minutes non-stop.

Proudly serving breakfast to your hookup since 1924

This old-fashioned diner is very popular with the student body. Bravely serving pancakes late into the night, Clarke’s qualifies as the classy dining alternative to Burger King or Ramen. Located right across the street from the Music Administration Building, it is always teeming with young folks on Saturday and Sunday mornings, when Clarke’s offers a hangover discount. If only…

Flat Top Grill
Another splendid eatery. It’s slightly more expensive, but it’s also all-you-can-eat, a challenge most students proudly rise to meet. Flat Top is the ideal place to eat your sorrows after a devastating football loss (something you’ll undoubtedly experience before Halloween).

Looks good to me.

Ev1, or Evanston’s 1st Liquors, is the go-to liquor store in downtown Evanston; a place where heinousness runs amok and undercover cops lurk like mustachioed creepers on the SAE dance floor.

Ultimate Chicken Bar
To be honest, I’ve always been too sketched out by the name of this business to even consider eating there.

J.K. Sweets
I’m relatively certain this business only serves Asians.

Radio Shack
I went there once and saw my doucheriffic TA. I refuse to go back.

Be sure and ask for an extra helping of irony

If you like to drink chai, wear skinny jeans, and read classic literature, then this is the place for you to be. PBR served on request. Be sure to check out the fantastic array of failing poets, failing comedians, and failing musicians that perform every Monday for open mic night.

Evanston Post Office
It’s a hefty ten or fifteen minute walk from campus, but it’s worth the journey to have the pleasure of dealing with some of the most incompetent fuckwaffles on the planet.

One Response to “Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Evanston”


  1. Five Things to Not Do with Your Prospective Student « Sherman Ave - April 23, 2012

    […] so put off some of that shit and be cool so your prospie wants to come here. Take them into Evanston and show them all of its glory.… and try not to suck. Allowing them to slap the bag for any […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: