Why Obama Makes Me Sad

9 Feb

Let me ask you a question. How many of the following have happened since Obama’s election?

1) World peace
2) End of racism/sexism/homophobia/animal cruelty
3) The whales are saved.
4) My dog is as badass as this.

He's killing pirates! What would Jack Sparrow say about that!?

So there we have it: our president, contrary to popular belief, is not a demigod. Oh damn. If there’s anything I dislike about Obama, it’s that his followers seemed to think that following his election, a perfect world would ensue. However, in a perfect world, Rick Perry would be dead and Katy Perry would be granted immortality. So quit slobbing on his knob, because he hasn’t really done much to move us in that direction.

Here’s my first beef with Obama: the guy’s voting record as a Senator basically screams “I Wanna Be President.” The Illinois senate records show that Obama has voted “present” on 130 motions, mostly on controversial issues. Voting “present” is essentially voting “meh,” as a lawmaker. You only say “meh” when you don’t have the energy or clarity to say “No, thank you, I have decided to disagree with the decision being decided.” In a parallel manner, voting “present” means a politician either doesn’t have an opinion or doesn’t want evidence that he has one, because opinions are usually offensive to someone. Having a solidified stance would mean he’d eventually lose voters, and again, the man has had his eyes on the Oval Office longer than Rebecca Black has been alive.

At least nobody has looked sexier while cutting prescription drug costs for medicare by 50%

Number two: Obama is from one of the most corrupt states in the nation. Did anyone question how the man whose record is as spotless as a baby’s ass* somehow gathered votes in the state that produced Blagojevich, Ryan, and the Daley dynasty? Just in case you’re not local, the Land of Lincoln hasn’t had much recent luck electing moral lawmakers. 6 of the last 9 governors are charged with white-collar corruption, and 4 of those were convicted and jailed for it. The most recent villain was caught attempting to ensure that his appointment for Senate seat had something in it for him. I’m not making wild accusations of corruption; I don’t think he’s Blago. I’m saying that Obama passed the healthcare bill like a true Illinois politician: buying the holdout votes with “There’s something in it for you, Nevada and Florida!” Washington, meet pay-to-play politics.

Here’s an excerpt from a recent Facebook status reposted by a friend of mine: “Things my president has done: Got Osama…check. Same wife for 15 years with no extramarital affairs….check. Only active President to receive Nobel Peace Prize while in office…check.” There are several things wrong with this, other than the obvious “please stop drooling and engage your mental cavity.” The first: don’t give him credit for finding Osama. OUR TROOPS DID. Give him credit for the things he’s done — getting minorities out there voting, repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and buying us a healthcare bill we didn’t want while teaching the country how Illinois does legislation.

But wait, there’s more: he can stay married! Without cheating! Give the man a prize! Speaking of prizes: I should really be past this by now. But Nobel Peace prize????? Didn’t old people use to have to DO shit for that????**

Not even comparable.

And to close: though I enjoy Al Green as much as the next person, I don’t give a rat’s ass if our president is “cute.” I want a president with a pair of balls*** and a goddamn voting record. Preferably the latter. Til then, I’m gonna hold this vote. If I want to interact with a cute older man, I will seek out Liam Neeson and Frank Sinatra. Frankie has a better voice, anyways.

Here’s to bipartisanship.

Brother Jürgen, please say you’ll still love me?

*Please ponder that metaphor. It was intentional.
**Also, congratulations to the original author of this quote for seriously qualified statements. “Only President to win Nobel Prize? Damn, there were four of those. Only President to do it while in office? Damn, that was three of them! Only President alive who’s won it? Fucking Jimmy Carter! Alright- he’s the only president we have RIGHT NOW who won the Nobel Peace Prize!”
***or, as a forwarded email from my mother instructed, “Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.”

Special thanks to Blake Wilson, whose Facebook feedback comparing Sherman Ave to the gastrointestinal contents at the end of the Human Centipede struck the perfect balance between offensive and motivating. Blake, don’t off yourself because of internet shenanigans; we’re still mourning Phoebe Black.

6 Responses to “Why Obama Makes Me Sad”

  1. Christian Chiakulas February 9, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    So, you criticize Obama for being from a state that several other corrupt politicians are from? Do I need to explain how absurdly stupid that is?

    Then, you criticize Obama because some “friend” on Facebook posted an idiotic status about his so-called accomplishments. Really, you’re criticizing Obama’s followers, not Obama. Is that the point of this article? Because instead you’re coming off like somebody who’s being a contrarian for the sake of being a contrarian.

    Let’s see. Under Obama, we’ve had steady job creation in the private sector for 3 years running. Osama Bin Laden is dead and GM is alive. Gays can serve openly in the military. It is much easier for students to have healthcare. He’s starting to chip away at “No Child Left Behind.” He’s given the FDA the authority to monitor tobacco sales and production. Reduced the nuclear arsenals of both the US and Russia. He’s reinstated federal funding for stem cell research. I could go on, and on, but the point is,that while some of Obama’s supporters are uneducated, the contention that Obama “hasn’t really done much” is borderline moronic.

    You make fun of people for expecting everything to magically get better after Obama’s election, then go on to criticize him for not magically making everything better since he’s been president. This was a joke of an article.

  2. Voting Obama February 9, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

    Sure there hasn’t been world peace or a crazy awesome stock market since Obama has been president, but absolutely nothing good can come from a single one of those GOP assholes becoming president. And it’s not that I would never consider voting Republican, I totally might if they ever came up with a half-decent candidate. But in the meantime, Obama can slowly keep chipping away at shitty policies and continue giving our country a more progressive, democratic outlook that it needs. I don’t doubt a Republican will be elected when he does eventually leave office, but I swear if some crazy right-wing Christian nut-job ever represents this country, I’m moving to Canada. It’s super close, and at least they have equal marriage and gun control laws.

    • RAwrrr February 10, 2012 at 12:13 am #

      Lolz y’all b trippin

  3. Wealth February 10, 2012 at 12:40 am #

    obama didn’t solve GM @christianchiakulas my dad did. suck it biatch #oldmoney

  4. Waldorf February 10, 2012 at 2:26 pm #

    No mention of the expansive, secretive drone war or how soft his administration has been on the financial institutions that almost destroyed the economy? If your criticizing Obama at least one those two has to come up.

    • Christian Chiakulas February 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

      The “drone war” isn’t a secret at all, everyone knows about it, and it’s a much safer way to wage war than sending American citizens into battle to get killed.

      Yes, he was soft on the financial institutions, bailing them out. So was Bush, because bailing those institutions out was the only thing that stopped us from hitting a full-blown depression. Try learning things.

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