New lexical creations to describe current events and occurrences at Northwestern? Why, of course!
If you’ve ever sat down to finish a problem set, and instead played Sporcle until Allison opened at 4:45, you’re procrastin-eating. If you’ve ever found yourself entirely focused on your bag of vending-machine Salsitas that you weren’t hungry for until you saw the vast white expanse of Microsoft Word that you must magically transform into The A+ Paper That Will Save Your Grade, you’re procrastin-eating. When you don’t know the answer, don’t want to figure it out, and it’s snacktime, you’re procrastin-eating. My name is Eleanor Kinkervoss and I am a procrastin-eater.
Everything awful in the world has happened to me at Plex, and this is the term I use to describe it. On my first day back at school my roommate and I found a purple fuzzy thing in my gyro. I once squashed a centipede crawling arrogantly across the floor and bit down on Unidentified Crunchy Objects in cooked vegetables, all in one Plexcapade-filled day. I still occasionally see fruit flies on the dessert/salad bars. My friend has located a hair in her stir-fry, I’ve discovered spinach still attached to the prongs of a fork fresh from the fork basket, and my roommate blames her food poisoning on meat she found there.*
The collective release of tension experienced by Northwestern students when Morty saved the brothels. It’s like a combination of pure unadulterated admiration mixed with relief and joy that you can still make housing arrangements like a game of Sardines.
Too Many Words. This problem is the reason DWombos exist. Previously used by the wonderful Ms. Alison Decker to say “a little excessive,” lex-cessive can refer to authors and speakers or the sentences themselves. Examples include:
• Louisa May Alcott
• Charles Dickens. Damn, I wish I was paid by the word.**
• Dr. Tattersail, who also wishes he was paid by the word.*** But if you haven’t checked out Heaven’s Gate yet, it’s brilliant and it makes me smile.
• People who send text messages like they’re paid by the word.
• Rick Perry, because any words that come out of his mouth are too many words.
• The Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week”
• Weird Al Yankovic’s “White And Nerdy.” Ever tried to memorize all the words?****
“Sherman Ave Love.” Instead of typing the following phrases, which are simply too lex-cessive: “The Professor’s dining hall creations are so delicious I just jazzed my pants,” “Tell it like it is, Sir Twattingworth,” or “Ross Packingham, can I hire you to do a striptease for my pledge baby?” it might be easier to just say, “I ShlAve that.”
There we go.
*And yet, I still keep eating there. Call it morbid curiosity.
**Or at all.
***I pulled an all-nighter to read one of your articles. ShlAve you still.
****Or listen to an entire Weird Al album? Because neither are humanly possible.