Why I’m transferring to Arizona State

Okay, so don’t think of this as a break up. Just think of it as a “see ya later pal,” aight? Because honestly, this isn’t about you. It’s about me needing to do what I have to do.

So here it is: I think I’m transferring. Probably to Arizona State. Sorry. But as I do in all breakups, and to make this much easier on you, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:

How come the student-to-hot-tub ratio isn’t factored into U.S. News & World Report Rankings?

1. Warmth
Literally what the fuck is with this snow? I thought it was like April or some ish like that. Didn’t we kill Punxatawnee Phil? Seriously, this is some bull. But in the warm sands of Tempe, we find an oasis of warmth and sunshine. ASU is the perfect mix of a hot, beach-like climate with no humidity to totally ruin your hair. This warm weather allows for a minimum of clothing, something that you’ll soon see is a key point. This balmy climate has long attracted retirees and schleppers, so why not me? I’ve had it up to HERE with the cold weather! I’m getting’ on up, movin’ on out and sittin’ back down in a lawn chair next to the private pool I assume each ASU student gets.

2. Academics
Arizona State is among the finest institutions in the state of Arizona. Its reputation for intellectual rigor precedes it to the point that they denied President Barack Obama an honorary degree in 2009 when he spoke at their commencement, saying he had yet to complete his body of work (I’m guessing he hadn’t finished his paperwork to double major in Killing Terrorists and Saving GM with a minor in Repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell). If transferring to ASU means I have the chance to one-up Barry, I’m soooo down like the economy.

3. Politics
Jan Brewer is a motherfucker. Not a particularly savory motherfucker, but a motherfucker nonetheless. Her “Breathing While Brown” law was struck down so quickly by every court that saw it that she forgot how to speak. But, living in the northern suburbs of Chicago, my odds of meeting and disapprovingly glaring at Gov. Brewer are exceedingly low. When I transfer to A-State these odds will at least double. I just wanna glare at her.

It’s much harder to dress like this for a home game with temperatures in the low 20s.

4. Sports
True, ASU is not known for its stellar athletics. But I’m coming from NU, so pretty much anything will do. A quick Google search informs me that Arizona State made the NCAA Tournament at least once and has won at least one bowl game since 1949; so yeah, I’ll take it. Plus, their football stadium hosted the Super Bowl like 87 times and I’m pretty sure all ASU students get free student section tickets to that too so this really seems like a win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win.

5. Biddies
Now I will never be one of the people who complains about how unattractive Northwestern students are. That’s just mean. But it is an indisputable fact that this girl does not go to NU. She goes to Arizona State. And as I mentioned above, the warm weather is quite conducive to everyone being nekked all the time forever. So really, Northwestern, it’s not that there aren’t gorgeous students here as well. It’s just that our business majors major in business. The ASU business majors appear to major in Daddy Issues. Ya know?

I came, I saw, and I was blocked from registering

6. CAESAR
The unthinkable torture device known only as CAESAR (I believe it stands for Castration And Evil Synthesized and Revitalized) is the single worst invention in human history. It has ruined my life for quarters on end and was reportedly responsible for the Hindenburg disaster. This atrocious website of terror will place random holds on all accounts, have scheduled maintenance when every student on campus tries to fix the hold, ban students from returning once they leave the site and prevent any foolish soul from opening up two tabs to compare classes side by side. This piece of horseshit kill-center doesn’t even have a search function. Literally. Every goddamn site in the world has a search function. Sherman Ave even has a search function. And I have a personal rule that if I ever found a website more heinous than Sherman Ave, I would have to leave the state. So, barring any sort of Gretchen Weiners inspired stabbing-fest, it’s off to cactus-land I go.

Of course, I’ll miss certain aspects of NU. I’ll miss the soggy ice-rink behind Norris. I’ll miss the hot cookie bar. I’ll miss the one nice day each year out on the lakefill. And I think I’ll miss you most of all, Morty. But it’s really time for me to go. There are pool parties for me to attend.