Hate A Random Region: The Caribbean

28 Feb

I know what you’re thinking.  “Aren’t you only supposed to violently scrutinize one country, not an entire region of the globe?”  So before I embark on my xenophobic hate journey, allow me to succinctly answer your question: No.

Now, without further ado, let’s get this slander ball rolling.  In rather uncharacteristic fashion, I have organized this rant into an enumerated series of grievances against that pathetic excuse of a geographic region known as the Caribbean Sea.

The Gulf Coast is also great for tourism, assuming you want to light yourself on fire while scuba diving

Grievance 1: The Gulf of Mexico

Remember that scene in the Lion King in which Mufasa explains to Simba that everything the light touches is his kingdom?*  Well, the same goes for The Gulf of Mexico, it’s just different in that everything it touches is unbelievably heinous.  Allow me to elaborate on this disgusting area that kind of qualifies as the Caribbean Sea.

  • Florida:  Where the only thing higher than the average temperature is the average age.  And this isn’t even the fun-filled east coast of Florida, which is presumably just Pit Bull doing lines of coke off of Dan Marino’s wife.
  • Southern Alabama and Mississippi: I don’t see the need to explain why this region is atrocious.  If you really need further explanation, please e-mail me at shermanave1@gmail.com and I will direct you to some of the extensive literature I have written on the topic.
  • New Orleans: Admittedly, New Orleans is a pretty cool place, unless you’re there one of the 364 days of the year that isn’t Mardi Gras.
  • Yucatan Peninsula:  Good lord, what a fucking hellhole.  I don’t understand how someone thought it was a good idea to combine the cultural deficiencies of a Michigan State frat house with the cultural deficiencies of a region that literally would disappear without a booming tourism industry.

Grievance 2: Orthography

I’m assuming you wanted a visual depiction of pornithology.

Orthography is the art of spelling; ironically, this word is very easily confused with similarly spelled words, like ornithology (study of birds), pornography (art of uglybumping), and pornithology (study of birdporn).  Anyway, everything about the Caribbean causes spelling problems severe enough to make English professors appear to be poster children for dyslexia.  First of all, the name of the region itself creates considerable confusion.  Caribbean?  Carribean?  Carribbean?  Only Google knows.  Worse yet, the countries in the Caribbean tend to have disgustingly long names, which is incredibly problematic for those of us who make a common habit of playing Sporcle whilst intoxicated.  As it turns out, typing “Antigua and Barbuda,” “Saint Vincent and the Grenadines,” and “Trinidad and Tobago” in sequence can’t be done so easily when you’re busy belting “We Found Love” and vomiting into a filing cabinet.

Grievance 3: Jamaica, and everything for which it stands

Jamaica’s Secretary of Defense, pondering the best method of hotboxing his office

I’ve talked to people who have been to Jamaica, and they all assure me that it is a very nice place.  Unfortunately, I’ve also had considerable exposure to a genre of music known as “reggaeton,” and because of that, I will forever and always detest that heinous little island hotbox known as Jamaica, where reggaeton essentially originated.  Reggaeton is literally an amalgam of the worst elements imaginable – foreign language rap, music videos filmed in clubs, and reggae (which in itself is a music genre so horrendous that we can just assume it was the joint brainchild of Hugo Chavez and Shakira).  It doesn’t matter how many blunts you’ve smoked, “No Woman, No Cry” is not a good song, and you’re not going to make it better by putting it in 6/8 and overlaying a track of some rapper from Panama muttering incoherently about “las discotecas.”

Grievance 4: Pirates

Unanimously voted “TIME Magazine’s Worst O-Face of the 21st century”

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was fucking awesome.  Johnny Depp did a bunch of cool pirate shit, Orlando Bloom spoke with an abnormally breathy tone, and Keira Knightley was responsible for more erections than Bristol Palin pleasuring herself with a flagpole at the Republican National Convention.  Unfortunately, no level of cinematic greatness could ever compensate for the humiliatingly bad sequels.  Seriously, the only way Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End could’ve been worse would be if Keanu Reeves made a cameo appearance as a pirate-stripper giving a lapdance to (Commodore) Michael Douglas while reciting the “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” monologue from MacBeth.  Yeah, just imagine it.

Grievance 5: Climate

Let me set the record straight: This winter has been very mild, and I greatly appreciate that.  That being said, fuck anyone and everyone who lives in a sub-tropical climate.  In Jamaica, for example, the year-round mean temperature is about 80ºF.  SURELY I’M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO FINDS THAT TO BE AN EGREGIOUS OFFENSE.  Perhaps those subtropical assbags don’t realize that there’s a thing called winter, in which people are cold and sad and turn to alcoholism and blood orgies.  Consider this: the lowest recorded temperature in the entire region is 35ºF.  I literally can’t even talk about this anymore.

*Or maybe you don’t remember that part.  We all have those nights when we blackout and watch Disney classics.

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