How to take down the Happiness Club: A four prong approach

Harmless dosage of zen? OR A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS AS I TRY TO ESCAPE LAST NIGHT'S HOOKUP BEFORE HE REALIZES I STOLE HIS ENTIRE COLLECTION OF TOY STORY FIGURINES???

We’ve all been dealing with it for far too long: those smiling people that hand you dumdums or balloons and tell you to have a nice day. Every day it seems like Northwestern students are accosted while trying to get to class by smiling groups of their peers who think that they are making us HAPPY.

You want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song and rubbing his nipples — don’t give me a fucking cupcake.

Here are some quick and dirty ways TO TAKE DOWN HAPPINESS CLUB:

1. Always carry cayenne pepper on your person, in case they bring out the puppies — take a whiff of that, BITCH.

2. When they ask you if you want a hug, ask them if they want their testicles. Better yet, kick first and ask later.

3. Splash their cups of free hot chocolate into their faces — see how well they can smile with third degree burns.

4. When they go kite flying: bring knives to attach to kites and scissors to snip strings. See how “happy” the people on the lake fill are when they are DEAD.

No I don’t want a free bagel, fuckhead.