The Truth Behind Justin Cruz’s Sexy Prom Date

22 Apr

As anyone at Northwestern has undoubtedly noticed, the campus has been plastered with a bunch of pink flyers asking some poor bastard named Justin Cruz to the prom. Much like the I Agree With Markwell campaign, reactions to this widespread magenta heinousness ranged from “What does this mean?” to “This is fucking obnoxious.” More than anything, people are confused about the nature of the whole situation. Does Justin Cruz go here? Is he dating a high schooler? Is his high school girlfriend so socially unaware that she thinks she could feasibly ask him to prom all over campus and not ruin his life?

Well, folks, we have the answers.

Joseph Kony wants to go to prom with Justin Cruz.

They aren't even the only racially ambiguous couple at the prom!

First of all, it’s not “prom,” per se – it’s just that “prom” is more marketable than “LRA Spring Formal.” Now, you might be wondering: What’s the relationship between J-Ko and J-Cruz? Besides a bit of carnal passion that the two shared in the third row of an Avicii concert, you’ll find that this relationship is a bit unfair. You see, Joseph Kony is using Justin Cruz. Remember two days ago, when Invisible Children’s “Cover the Night” campaign posted Joseph Kony’s face all over the world, so no one could avoid it at all? It seems as though JoKo was painfully unaware of the fact that the #KONY2012 campaign belly-flopped within 48 hours of the video going viral. Therefore, he was concerned that on 4/20 (which is incidentally only Jason Russell’s second favorite day to masturbate in public), posters of him would go up anywhere, and then people would give money to Invisible Children, who would magically destroy him using their special powers of irrelevance. To distract the people from pictures of his face, he did what any Ugandan warlord would do: He asked Justin Cruz to prom.


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