Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Attend Class

22 Aug

In the vast reaches of time preceding your arrival to Northwestern Heinousversity, your mind is probably racing with questions.  What is it like living in a dorm?  How will the food be?  How long is it appropriate to know someone before showing him or her my third nipple?   What about my fourth one?   With so many concerns about adapting to the college lifestyle, you may be forgetting about one minor detail of attending Northwestern: the classes.  But don’t worry – we are here to answer your questions about how to effectively have the learning times.

Bonus points if you can scare old women out of your class by making blatant references to the Double Dutch Rudder!

Step 1: Register for classes

Much like autofellatio, registering for classes is easier said than done.  Unfortunately for you young freshman, you have to spend your first class registration experience drowning in a pool of self-loathing and death threats addressed to some guy named Caesar.  I would put a guide on how to use the Caesar software, but I’m much too sadistic to spare you the rollercoaster of mental instability that is learning to register for classes.  Instead, I’ll just leave you with a friendly reminder that enrolling in classes is like making love to a Filipino fisherwoman – it’s generally unpleasant and incredibly frustrating, but your parents are paying for you to do it 3 times a year so you really don’t have a choice.

Step 2: Buy your textbooks

            LOL this part sucks too!  Textbooks are abominably expensive and often useless, kind of like tickets to a Sting concert.  For all of you engineers in the hizzouse, you can rest well knowing that you’re probably going to pay two to three times more for your textbooks, because you also have to buy question clickers, labcoats, and Zoloft.  You can buy textbooks at the Norris bookstore (where they are morbidly overpriced), Beck’s bookstore (where they are also morbidly overpriced), or online (where they are cheaper, but you’re more likely to be distracted by Russian horse-on-woman pornography).

Step 3: Make it to class on time

            First of all, your life will be infinitely easier if you don’t take classes before 11am.  Yes, I know you got up at 6am in high school, but you also didn’t get drunk and Sporcle every night in high school (if you did, mad props).  Your biological clock is going to recalibrate itself in the most heinous of ways when you come to college, so be prepared.  Another tip for making it to class punctually is to find your classrooms the day before so you don’t get lost.  That being said, if you do get lost, that’s perfectly okay, because it’s really kind of funny and endearing when freshman are lost.

Don’t stress if you fall asleep in class – we all have sex dreams about Morty Schapiro in inappropriate situations.

Step 4: Don’t be a twat in class

            This is a very important idea to grasp.  If you see it necessary to be “that person” in class, it is customary to rip out your liver and feed it to Willie the Wildcat.  Don’t be that person that asks 35 questions every class period.  Don’t be that person that averages 7 syllables per word because it fuels their egomaniacal power-trip.  Don’t be that person who thinks that their 2-week trip to Brazil makes them more knowledgeable than their professor who has a doctorate degree in Latin American history.  And for the love of God, don’t be that person who whips it out and starts wanking during the documentary on the Cuban Missile Crisis.


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