Muhammad: Everyone please calm down

19 Sep

Who brought the marshmallows?

MEDINA — In a press release this morning, the prophet Muhammad called on Muslims, Christians, Jews, and all others alike to “seriously calm the fuck down.”

“Guys, seriously? I mean, I’m really flattered that you think I’m important enough that a building has to be bombed every time I’m depicted, but honestly, we need to all take a chill pill. I preach peace, love, and acceptance — how did you guys turn that into ‘blow shit up when angry?'”

The statements made by the Muslim prophet were in response to a recent French cartoon depicting his image, which has led to numerous bomb scares around Paris and the temporary closure of the city’s schools.

“Let’s all take a deep breath here,” continued the press release, following more than a week of violence that has catalyzed international scrutiny regarding issues of free speech, religion, expression, and extremism. “I didn’t work my ass off to restore the uncorrupted Abrahamic faith of Adam, Noah, Moses, David, and Jesus just so you guys would be total dicks to one another.”

The Prophet’s press release was followed by a statement from the ghost of James Madison, who urged, “I’m all for freedom of speech and religion, but guys, seriously? People have fucking died. Can’t you just go back to printing pictures of Princess Kate’s bosom?”

President Madison’s ghost proceeded to embark on a ten-minute tirade about freedom and responsibility, NFL replacement referees, and “that dickhead John Adams.”

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