Herds of Wild Buffalo Seen Roaming Evanston Searching for Parties

24 Sep

A herd of buffalo, searching desperately for 831 Hamlin

Evanston, IL – Sources reported on Sunday night that multiple packs of wild buffalo were seen meandering through the city in search of what they called “the party.”  There were at least four different herds sighted, one herd as far north as Noyes Street and another as far west as Ridge Avenue.

“I was just sitting outside, sipping on a brew and trying to lay down my game on some floozie, when all these fuckin’ buffalo just, like, stampeded down the street,” explained a witness from the porch of a Sigma Phi Epsilon off-campus house.  “We were all just, like, ‘Damn.  I bet I could totally get with some of those bitches.'”

A female buffalo weeping in Philbrick Park, shortly after making a sixteen-minute phone call to her high school boyfriend.

Evanston Chief of Police Richard Eddington issued a formal statement late last night. “A member of our police force sighted a herd of buffalo this evening while issuing half a dozen parking tickets on Orrington Avenue.  He confirms that the herd was non-violent but appeared to be relatively intoxicated.  We have no intent to harm the herd, but we plan to redirect them to a less hostile environment, most likely Hobart House.  Unfortunately, we are uncertain of the number of herds presently roaming the city; their similar plaid shirts and short dresses make them almost indistinguishable.”

Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl had no comment on the incident, only asking the police force to prevent the herds from coalescing at The Keg of Evanston, and further asking that any especially intoxicated buffalo be summarily tranquilized and butchered.

One Response to “Herds of Wild Buffalo Seen Roaming Evanston Searching for Parties”

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