Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dealing With a Terrible Roommate

I’ll kill you in your sleep.

Before I left for college, I had a heart-to-heart chat with my Dad.  There were many things that made me anxious, but my fears about my future roommate exceeded all others. I was terrified that my roommate would be a serial killer, a poltergeist, a hater of Harry Potter, or a fan of Fox news. Thankfully, none of those things came true. At least, to my knowledge. Although I did once catch my roommate, who shall henceforth be referred to as Phyllis, watching The O’Reilly Factor. But I THINK she was doing it ironically.

Thankfully, Phyllis wasn’t a Ted Bundy or a Gordon Gekko or a Moaning Myrtle. But we still did not have a functional relationship. And sure, there was fault on both sides. She probably didn’t adore it when I clipped my toenails on her bed because my trash can was full and I was too lazy to take it out.  Or that I stumbled in noisily at 3am five nights a week. Whateva whateva I do what I want.

So Phyllis and I were not the best of friends. I’m sure that our problems were all easily solvable, but I’m incompetent and belligerent so I solved none of them. I tried though, kinda. But as a positive contributor to society Sherman Ave writer, I feel that it is my duty to pass on some misguided wisdom. So, you impressionable youngsters, here are some things you can do to kind of solve a bitter relationship with a roomie.

1. Talk to your roommate about problems as they come up. Do not let things fester. It will suck and you’ll grow resentful and angsty. Don’t be passive aggressive, just be open and honest. This is one of the rare gems of Sherman Ave advice that is actually sincere.
2. If you’re too immature to do that, or you don’t want to, or you’re too drunk, do something hilarious instead.

Examples of hilarious things to do:

–        Take selfies using your roommate’s camera when your roommate isn’t around. Do not mention that you took the selfies.

–        Better yet, have strange older men take selfies with your roommate’s camera when your roommate isn’t around.

–         Insist on sticking a post-it note on them every time they leave the room

–        Lock them out when they’re in the shower. There’s a reason that that’s a classic.

–        Click your tongue incessantly when they’re trying to study. When they ask you to stop insist that you weren’t doing anything.

–        Shout FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT GODDAMMIT I’M SO FUCKING DRUNK when they’re Skyping their parents.

–        Leave scrambled eggs in your fridge for like 6 months. When your roommate asks you to throw them out insist that you can’t because they’re special eggs. (My roommate actually did do this…fucking god dammit that shit smelled bad).

You can’t sexile me IF I NEVER LEAVE!!!!!

–        Adorn their wall with pictures of Casey Anthony.

–        Put their shit in the freezer.

–        Sexile them every night (If you do this then I’m fucking impressed and you probably shouldn’t have gone to Northwestern if those are your habits).

–        Hum. All the time.

–        Respond to everything they say with “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?”

–        Scream “FUCK” for no reason. Do so frequently.

–        Have boundary issues.

–        Drape your wet towel over them while they’re asleep.

–        Blast Nickelback on repeat.

–        Tell them they have a weight problem. (My roommate also did this to me. Like what the fuck Phyllis?)

–        Bark at them.

–        Be Mayor Tisdahl.

So, if you have tried everything on the list and STILL haven’t alienated the shit out of your roommate, then you must be really fucking likeable. If not, then your year has gotten off to an awkward and terrible start and it’s probably only going to go downhill.  Mazel tov!