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Work study prostitute hits allotment during Wildcat Welcome

26 Sep

Junior Trixie Cummings, an NU work study prostitute, announced today that she will appeal to the work study office for more funds after hitting her  annual funding allotment just days into Wildcat Welcome Week.

Cummings worked the corner of Gaffield and Maple for just 45 minutes before reaching the $2,100 earnings maximum that the government had set on her work study income for the year.

“Welcome to Obama’s America,” Cummings said in an exclusive interview. “Where the Kenyans shut you down as soon as you find a good business opportunity. Guess what, Mr. President? I DID BUILD MY SYPHILLIS.”

Probably Cummings’ pimp.

According to a press release from NU President Morty Schapiro’s office, Cummings was given the go-ahead to begin whoring her body out after she pointed out that “all the good library jobs are taken :(.”

When she heard of the news, Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl said she was stunned to discover that Evanston’s “Brothel Law” didn’t actually cover real brothels, only Northwestern WHORES living together in their SLUT MANSIONS.

“It actually is very specific in the law,” Tizzy said. “All Evanston laws only apply to undergraduate HARLOTS and everyone else has free reign.”

Cummings told The Ave that if her appeal for more funding is successful, she will likely move to a less lucrative corner so that he can continue to work for longer.

“Ill just stand near the Einstein’s in Pancoe,” Cummings said. “That way I can get some shmear while I wait to get my schmear, and no one will ever be able to fucking find me.”

There’s no word yet on which students were most commonly frequenting Cummings services,  but it was definitely those north campus HO-BAGS.

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