APOCALYPSE RIGHT MEOW: Liveblogging Hurricane Sandy from Philadelphia

29 Oct

[As Hurricane Sandy barrels down on the East Coast, Sherman Ave Philadelphia correspondent Courtney Thomas will provide live updates from the City of Brotherly Snuggles. Unless Sandy takes out the Internetz, in which case FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE. More updates to come!]

Sandyyyy, babbyyyyyy, why-y-y-y-y-y.

UPDATE: 9:17pm ET, Oct. 30

Well, Sandy is over. Classes begin tomorrow and SEPTA is running public transit. I think we all can agree that Sandy has taught us some valuable lessons. For all the FOTAs that didn’t get to experience these lessons firsthand, I’ve compiled them below:

  • There’s no hangover like a hurricane hangover. Whether it’s from actual Hurricanes or just drinking while the storm rages outside, just know that the next morning, the sound of every raindrop will be like a jackhammer into your addled little brain.
  • Having two surprise vacation days sounds awesome, but then you just put off a lot of work, making Tuesday night feel a lot like Sunday night. And that blows (but not harder than Sandy did).
  • New Jersey is a super tenacious state.
  • Never underestimate how much junk food a single human being can consume. My next apology will be to Michelle Obama. I feel like I’ve disgraced her by eating frosting right out of the jar.
  • You find your real friends during a hurricane. The people who sit in your living room with you and play Never Have I Ever or decide to go on the porch to see how bad it is are actually your friends. The other people just hang out with you cause you have great hair.

From Philadelphia, over and out.

– Courtney

UPDATE: 7:40pm ET, Oct. 29

[Editor’s note: It is now clear that the residents of Philadelphia are losing their minds as the apocalypse bears down upon them.]

UPDATE: 5:38pm ET, Oct. 29

Sandy is getting worse out there, folks! Look at this image of a tree that used to stand straight up being blown over at a 90-degree angle by the wind (note: this tree is less than 100 feet from my kitchen window).

The Haus of Baus (my living quarters here in lovely, safe, bucolic North Philadelphia, where people get shot every other Wednesday) has prepared a quick and easy guide to staying prepared for the storm. Don’t let those assholes who say “get water, get batteries!” fool you. This is the stuff you really need:

  • Lots and lots of junk food: See all that food on our shelves?

    Michelle Obama saw this and shat herself. True story.

    None of that shit is good for you. There are two huge jars of Nutella in that one image. There’s also pasta, Oreos and a lot of other stuff that will make your butt even more bootylicious than that one stripper you liked last year. My theory as to why we eat junk food during inclement weather is that we need to increase our body mass so that we don’t get blown away. Eat up, stay in place. Science.

  • A fridge full of beverages, alcoholic and non-alcoholic alike: Duh, you need alcohol. The new president of Temple didn’t cancel classes so we can all stay sober. However, you should temper that with some non-alcoholic beverages. We don’t know how long Sandy is going to keep raging away, and you don’t want to end your rager before she does. Alternate, and your liquor supply will survive through the storm. Note the mix of alcohol and Diet Coke in our fridge.
  • Tomato sauce: Hurricane or no hurricane, I’m fucking Italian, and tomato sauce cures everything. We’re like the Greeks in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, except instead of Windex, we make sauce. It cures a multitude of ills. Also, don’t even begin to play me with some jar of Ragu or Prego or crap like that. If it’s not homemade, don’t eat it. If it’s not homemade and you do eat it, I hope Sandy eats your family.

Hurricane Survival 101, taught by Professor C. Thomas, meets every time a big ass storm threatens the entire East Coast.


Ratio: 3/4 vodka, 1/4 some vegetable thing


UPDATE: 3:27pm ET, Oct. 29

Welcome back to Hurricane Sandy, live from Philadelphia.

So in the last couple hours, not a lot has changed. It’s still windy and raining, but nothing bad. People keep posting pictures of parts of New Jersey underwater, and everyone’s like, whatever, it’s Jersey. God hates them anyway.

So, in the interest of having a great liveblog for all you reading this, I decided to actually leave the apartment and go to 7-11 in the storm. Well, it wasn’t totally because I want to make this blog great, even though that’s a perk. I really just didn’t have enough Diet Coke to brave the storm. If my blood isn’t 37% Diet Coke at all times, I will actually die.

Fuckin’ Bear Grylls in this bitch.

I set off into the rain (see image of me looking super sexy in a hoodie. Try and hold yourselves back. It’s highly NSFW), expecting to be blown away to Oz and maybe to get some great shoes. Instead, my roommate Bridget and I just walked pretty normally. Our hoods got blown off our heads a few times. That was about it.

7-11 was DESERTED. It looked like after the zombie apocalypse hit, except without anyone trying to eat us or people with katanas. They were out of Diet Coke in 2 liter form though, so I guess the hurricane really has come.

Anyway, we got cans of Diet Coke and hightailed it home, in case the wind started to pick up. It hasn’t, even though philly.com says it’s supposed to. Those liars. Someone yelled at us from a car to get off the street.

Sandy’s mating dance apparently hasn’t started yet. Philly is still safe. RIP Jersey, maybe?

I took some pictures of the street outside 7-11. As you can see, it looks like a regular rainstorm. Sandy, so far, Irene is out-hurricaning you so hard.


Humanity’s destruction is upon us. We must sit now and await our doom.



UPDATE: 1:37pm ET, Oct. 29

Basically, Sandy’s mission is to make Irene, the hurricane we had last year, look like a little tropical storm bitch. So far, she’s doing a really crappy job. It’s raining, but not really hard, and I can still see daylight. Also, there’s some wind.

The biggest inconvenience for now is that our local beer distributor is sold out of Hurricanes, because it’s funny to drink Hurricanes during a hurricane.

I’ll keep you updated as Sandy grows in strength and tears the Jersey Shore off the country and eats the statue of William Penn off the top of City Hall. (Yeah, William Penn, you smug asshole. You won’t like it when Sandy effs you up!)


4 Responses to “APOCALYPSE RIGHT MEOW: Liveblogging Hurricane Sandy from Philadelphia”

  1. Christen Ferris October 29, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    Bay beeee can’t you see I’m in misery!
    Bahaha I love you!

  2. Kathryn October 29, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    What an amazing blog! I am laughing my ass off!


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