Hate A Random Country: Canada

7 Nov

It’s waaay too easy to find a picture of a vagina on the Internet.

It’s widely known that there is only one country in North America that matters.  America[1]. All others are entirely irrelevant.  This scientific fact has been proven time and again, during Olympics, world wars, and presumably obesity contests (we have the most mass, so we matter the most).  However, there are other countries that we are unfortunately stuck sharing a continent with, and sadly, one of them is Canada.

Imagine that you were stuck in a never-ending Northwestern winter.  Now imagine that in the middle of the snow, the only life you could see was a lonely moose jacking off.  Also you routinely got hit in the face with hockey pucks, and your tears froze and turned into little balls of ice before they hit the ground.  Oh, and in the background, Nickelback’s newest album played on an infinite repeat, only occasionally intercut by a song or two from Drake, the rapper who has singlehandedly infected over 39 women with syphilis.  The situation I just described is pretty much what it’s like to live in Canada.

Firstly, Canada is known for hockey.  Their national sport involves various large and drunk eastern European men bashing each other with sticks and fighting for a disc on ice.  Occasionally they pummel each other for no apparent reason.  What the fuck?  Despite Canadian claims of ”originating” the sport of hockey, they actually stole it from Russia, which according to historian “Mittens” Romney, is our #1 enemy.  So not only is Canada responsible for bringing the wretched sport here, it’s also collaborating with our enemies.  It’s like the old saying: “Bring me hockey, shame on you; conspire with Russia, and why the fuck aren’t we invading Toronto already?”

A part of the daily life of a Canadian.

Secondly, their national food is Maple Syrup.  I don’t know about you, but I, like most normal people, don’t like drinking trees.  I don’t swing that way; I don’t like putting liquid that comes from wood in my mouth.  Yet that’s exactly what Canada shoves down the throats of the world.  In Canada, maple syrup is required by law to be 66% sugar (which goes to show what Canada’s government is concerned with regulating useless shit, rather than helping fight Terrorism like REAL countries).  Well thanks a lot for that, Canada.  If I wanted to drink something terrible for me that would burn with sugar as it went down, I would just drink a Smirnoff Ice[2].

Then, there’s the music.  Not only does Canada want us to “call them maybe”, but they have unleashed many terrors on the world.  For one, Justin Bieber, or as I call him, “pussyface.”  Then, Nickelback.  Fucking…Nickelback.  Baby, baby, baby…NO.  Also, Cher.  Anyone with a soul hates Cher.

Yet they get even worse.  Canada is still sucking the metaphorical dick of England.   England is not worth sucking up to (although Pippa Middleton definitely is[3]).  They still have the queen on their (bizarrely multicolored) money!  They could at least grow some balls and put Canadian flags on it, but no.  Random-ass British people.  Yet while Canada remains England’s little bitch, they are also French, which inherently makes them pussies.  This fine line that they walk between kissing the ass of the English and being a pussy like the French makes them even more insufferable.

In short, there’s nothing more despicable than Canada.  From the fact that they originated Nickelback, to their creation of hockey and maple syrup, to their creation of Nickelback[4] they truly are the shittiest and most pathetic excuse for a country on this entire planet.  After all, as their national anthem says… “Oh Canada…goddamn it, why do I live in you?  Fuck my life.

– Horatio Fourgasm

[1] Techincally “the United States of America,” but since all other countries are irrelevant, America will here be used EXCLUSIVELY to refer to the U.S of motherfuckin’ A.

[2] Maple Syrup is one of the few things on earth that is even less healthy than Smirnoff Ice.

[3] Side note: Pippa, if you’re reading this…I love you.  Please respond to my letters/e-mails/flyers I’ve tried to distribute around the UK.

[4] A crime so terrible I listed it twice.

4 Responses to “Hate A Random Country: Canada”

  1. Jack G January 6, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Canada did gives us Joni Mitchell. I know it hardly makes up for Hockey and Justin Beaver or whatever the hell his name is, and she could actually eat corn on the cob through a picket fence , but that girl can sing.

  2. Terry Frizzell February 12, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

    All of your so called “facts” are based on nothing but stereotypes and no actuall truth is found in them. I highly doubt that a fat yank such as yourself could actually be be bothered to get off your fat ass and go visit Canada yourself before formulating any opinion. Your accusations are very weak, such as the Olympics, may I point out that as of now America is in fifth place for medals while good old Johnny Canuck is first! In war, Americans are exaggerated by their own historians, for example in 1812, we sucessfully repeled an unprovoked invasion of our country and managed to push back their inexperienced troops. We then proceeded to pillage the northern states and burn Washington to the ground no less than twice! In the first world war, we proved that our soldiers were again superior to your own.Despite our small numbers we staved off sucessive waves of German attacks in the battle of the Somme river while our allies (including the cowardly Americans) turned and fled. Not to mention our sucessfull assault on Vimy ridge when again our allies had failed. The main reason that the US army is so formidable is because of sheer numbers and not strength or bravery of their individual soldiers as proved for the third time in WWII when the American army inflicted less casualties upon the enemy PER MAN and only had greater overall kills due to it’s numbers. Funny that you should diss hockey when the American sport is apparently basebass: a sport played by fat ten year olds, hockey is a tough northern sport played by men while baseball is a childs game for the park. In music, admittadley Justin Beaber is a disgrace to the nation but you seem to forget that most Canadians HATE Bieber too, his music reflects the garbage American pop style while you seem to ignore singers who sing more Canadian songs like Gordon Lightfoot, Niel Younge, or Tom Connors to name a few. Yes, we do maintain ties to the traditional ways of the British Empire because we prefer to get along peacefully with them rather than start a revolution when we don’t get our way. Is it really a bad thing to remain loyal to our Ancestors instead of fighting with them? I think not! Your arcticle also seems to skim over the whole international popularity spectrum of things too, Canadians are known for their politness and hospitality while what are Americans known for? Their stupidity, arrogance, obesity, and respect for brute force only instead of negotiation. Just ask anyone from anywhere, especially Europe which country they like most and every time it will be Canada. Where as Americans are hated by people all over for their rudness and cowardice. I apologize for any anger this comment may have brought upon the ill informed and misguided author of this fourth grader’s arcticle, but forgive him for his ignorance and sincerely hope that he may have gleaned SOMETHING out of his mistake. After all… he is only an American.

  3. Estheticiandermatologist.webstarts.com March 15, 2014 at 9:36 am #

    When cleansing your face, wash for 30 to 45 seconds with
    a dime-sized amount of cleanser. This treatfment is designed to break up your skin’s dead cells and reveal younger,
    brighter, fresher-looking skin. Anti-Ageing and Beauty theralies are esch safer and more effective
    when administered at a doctor’s ofgfice reminiscent of South Shore Skin Center and Medicall Spa.


  1. An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day | Sherman Ave - February 18, 2014

    […] The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: