Petraeus’s replacement: Anyone who uses Snapchat

In the wake of David Petraeus’s sexy resignation from the head of the CIA, President Barack Obama has been left looking for potential replacements. The speculation has been rampant, with pundits all over the Chevy Chase area chiming in about whom they would prefer secretly listens to their phone calls without a warrant in the coming years.

You could cut the sexual tension in here with a drilldo.

Yet in all the discussion so far, there has been no mention of a wildly qualified group of Americans: literally anyone who knows how to use Snapchat.

Petraeus, whose sexy downfall was brought about his inability to not send sexy emails to his sexy “paramour,” was unqualified not because he may have sexily leaked a state secret or 12 to Paula Broadwell. He was unqualified because he seriously got caught planning their sexy times via email. Like a n00b.

Today’s kids are much smarter. We all know at least ONE person who’s been sentenced to life in prison for sending picture messages of their genitalia to other people in exchange for pictures of the other person’s genitalia. That’s why we invented Snapchat!

Now, today’s youth can send their sexty sexts in peace, knowing that no one can prove they took the previously mentioned genitalia pictures. Unless, like, someone takes a screenshot. In which case all of The Tweens are screwed. Aaaaanway.

The point here is that Petraeus’s sexy public shaming was purely avoidable, if only he had known as much about secrecy as a pre-teen girl. In some roles (Secretary of Getting Some, for example), this would not be an issue. If your job is to head the most sexy secret intelligence organization since the Illuminatitties, it is.

What we recommend is a two-part strategy in selecting the next head of the CIA. First, find qualified diplomats, CIA personnel and military officials who would generally be considered to head the agency. Bring them into a room. Give them an iPhone. Say “download Snapchat” to them. Whoever is able to do it gets the job.

Those Michelle Obama arms tho.

Should that fail to produce a worthy candidate, go to a local high school. Bring all the juniors into the gymnasium. Ask them if any of them wants to be CIA director. Give the second person to say yes the job, but not the first because the first person to respond is probably a fucking try-hard who just wants to make everyone look bad and will NOT let you stop hearing about how they got a 5 on the AP Euro exam.

Once this process is complete, America will once again feel safe, knowing that the CIA is headed by someone who won’t be brought down via sexy Gmail drafts. And that’s the most important thing.