An Open Letter to Disney: You’ve Given Us Back Topanga and Eve, Now Please Give Us Some Tanners

27 Nov

Dear Disney:  

There is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In recent days, we as college students facing down the stresses of life and such (JK I’m in the School of Comm) and yearning for a simpler time have been treated by you to a treasure trove of nostalgia-inducing revivals guaranteed to warm even the coldest pop-culture heart.  First, it was confirmed that Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel, better known as Corey and Topanga, the couple at the heart of Boy Meets World who make any other romantic pair just seem weak and unnecessary by comparison, agreed to return to play the parents (yeah that’s right, you’re all old now, bitches) in the Disney Channel spinoff series Girl Meets World.  Then, out of nowhere, Heinous Incarnate Tyra Banks agreed to return as Eve in a SEQUEL to her 2000 doll-come-to-life epic, Life-Size, a film which many would consider to be the greatest DCOM of all time (a solid case could be made for Get a Clue or My Date With the President’s Daughter , among others.  Like all of them).  Finally, everyone’s favorite former Disney star, Lindsay Lohan, reinvigorated her career with her star turn on Lifetime’s Liz And Dick!  Oops never mind on that last one it was a fiasco sorry Lindz better luck next time.

No other love is as real.

These too-good-to-be-true developments, in addition to your revival last month of the Star Wars franchise, mean that you are in a SERIOUSLY generous mood at the moment.  Thus, the time is right for me to submit the formal request that I have dreamt about for years: the time has come, House of Mouse, to give the people another dose of Tanner.  The time has come to bring back Full House.

Admit it, nobody thought Bob Saget would go on to have the most illustrious post-show career.

Airing for eight seasons on Disney-owned ABC (you’re reminded that they are property of Mickey because they spend a two-part episode there for no reason.  Yayy corporate synergy, this show is considered by many (me) to be the pinnacle of American television.  Blending humor, heart, morals, and third-graders twirling to Boyz II Men, this show had everything.  And at the rate that ABC Family replays the series, eight seasons is not nearly enough to keep the public (me) satisfied.  We (I) want more!

I know that the cast hasn’t exactly been tearing it up in the post-House era.  Stephanie was more or less a meth addict, the Olson twins are basically heinous squared, Uncle Joey was the target of an Alanis Morissette song (but actually this song is about Uncle Joey), and Nicky and Alex became…this.  But still!  I know they could pull it together.  If Girl Talk could rebound from their flop at the Smash Club, then the Tanners can come back stronger than ever.

The gang, after breaking into Uncle Joey’s bag of “fun powder”

And just imagine all of the new and exciting storylines that the new Full House could explore! We could see what it’s like for 21 year-old Nicky and Alex to still be living in the attic with Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky; we could see how Kimmy Gibbler ever overcame her social deficiencies to become a fully-functioning adult; and we could cheer for Joey’s new life as a professional Twitter comedian (every joke obviously ends with #CutItOut)!  The possibilities, much like the laughs and the love, are endless here.  So please, Disney, leave the spigot of nostalgic reboots on for just long enough for some Tanners to get through. The world (me) is ready and eager for their return, so in the words of Jessie Katsopolis, “Have Mercy!” and stop denying us (me) our Full House.

Sincerely,

Charleston Nippleberry

5 Responses to “An Open Letter to Disney: You’ve Given Us Back Topanga and Eve, Now Please Give Us Some Tanners”

  1. Jeff W. November 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

    “In recent days, we as college students facing down the stresses of life and such (JK I’m in the School of Comm) and yearning for a simpler time have been treated by you to a treasure trove of nostalgia-inducing revivals guaranteed to warm even the coldest pop-culture heart.” I tried to read this sentence out loud to make sense of it and I could only make it about halfway through before my brain felt like it was stuck in an electric fence.

    • alabasterchevrolet November 28, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

      wow that’s too bad you can’t read so well.

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