Sparks Fly at Obama-Romney Post-Election Get-Together: A Running Diary

30 Nov

This past Thursday, November 29, the two former presidential candidates enjoyed a private lunch at the White House. While the doors were closed to all press, Sherman-Ave’s junior political correspondent Richard Wang was able to get all the details.

Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to? Foreign Policy!

I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

10:45 am: The president and wife Michelle await their company at the White House. President Obama informs Michelle that he doesn’t want Mitt to come over because he is weird, smells bad, and doesn’t like basketball. Michelle states that she does not know what has gotten into Barack today. He will have fun, and he will tolerate Mitt for one day. Furthermore, Michelle declares that she does not want to hear another word about it, Mister.

10:51: Mitt and Ann Romney make their way over to the White House. Mitt says that today is going to be stupid because Barack never listens to him, never lets him choose what they do, and he always makes fun of Mitt’s hair. Ann tells Mitt to let Barack choose the activities for one day because it’s Barack’s house, and if Mitt gets bored he can decide the activities.

11:03: The Obamas greet the Romneys at the door. Michelle and Ann exchange pleasantries. Barack notes that Mitt’s hair looks extra greasy today. Mitt replies that Barack’s ears are the size of his pension. The two glare. Michelle and Ann tell the boys to go have a good time while the women have coffee.

11:05: Barack tells Mitt they can play in his room, but Mitt can’t touch anything- the N64, Legos, manila folder labeled “Seal Team Six Details”, etc.

11:11: Barack goes to the bathroom. Mitt promptly goes on the computer and notices Barack’s open Facebook account, updating the president’s status as “entitlements r gay. 47 percent eat poop LOL.”

11:30: The two head downstairs for lunch. Mitt trips over Barack’s shoes. Barack insists it was an accident.

11:37: Lunch is served. Mitt says his sandwich tastes like ass. Barack tells Mitt to shut-up. Mitt denies and tells Barack to shut-up. Barack calls Mitt “stupid”. Barack calls Mitt stupid times infinity. Mitt regrets not playing the infinity card first.

11:56: The two decide to go outside. Barack declares that they’ll play basketball. Mitt says he hates basketball. He hates basketball almost as much as he hates Rick Santorum, prompting this exchange:

Barack: You hate Santorum, too?
Mitt: Yeah, that guys a douche.
Barack: Huh. Maybe I misjudged you, Romney. Quick, what’s your favorite dinosaur? 1, 2, 3…
Both: Velociraptor!
Barack: Best way to deal with Iran? 1, 2, 3…
Both: Enact trade embargoes to isolate them!
Mitt: If you were a chick, and had to bang one foreign leader, who would it be?
Both: Kim Jong-un!
Barack: Did we just become best friends?
Mitt: I think so! Wanna do karate in the garage?
Barack: Uh, yeah?

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