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The Top Ten Things That Make Cobra Lederham’s Day

7 Dec
Then apply the Sherman Ave. We need people like you.

Consult a doctor immediately if this picture does not warm the frigid cockles of your heart.

Presented herein void of context, editorial insight, or drilldo references.

10.)     Waking up to discover I’ve done my dishes while blacked out – Turns out this maid also cooks great chili and likes to piss on the only rug in my apartment.

9.)       Finding that no one stole my bike and/or bike wheels – Every day is a blessing.

8.)       Riding my bike on the sidewalk in the “business district” of Evanston – Presumably Mayor Tisdahl thinks I’m also hitting pedestrians while drinking beers and riding naked on my way to the Keg.  She’s wrong.  I, of course, have a wool sock on my penis.

7.)       Going another day without eating from the Subway I live above –  Sure, it’s perhaps the cleanest Subway on the planet, but I’m only one more depressing visit away from being able to simply order the “usual” (or what some call, “that reconstituted white meat from the bucket of warm water).  This is difficult because I find that I must try…

6.)       Convincing the employees of Cozy to split my check – This hasn’t and probably never will happen.  I would like to thank all my friends that have only $20 bills and that one friend who went to dinner with only $3.  Let’s be square: their clientelle is exclusively under 21 and just wants to drink in public.

5.)       Being 21 – My life has been divided into two eras: post-21 and pre-21/pre-life.  Times when my grocery bills were practical, less costly, and included food and a time now where I need to consider beer as food because a diet of saltine crackers isn’t quite filling out the food pyramid. Sure, I’ve been drinking for years, but being of drinking age opens me up to…

4.)       Drinking at places besides The Keg – Then again, all other places are more expensive because they haven’t matched their prices to high school allowances.  It’s also a great place to meet up with those cute sophomores I met at Cozy.  So, I still go and end up attempting…

3.)       Successful drunk dials – Successful, in that, I didn’t do it.  But, having my phone out allows for…

2.)       Meeting the Evanston mugger – This elusive 5’10” to 6’ tall campus figure is known to hang out north of Foster at night in gray hoodies presumably with a CVS bag of iPhones.  Any time I want to hang out with him, I just call my phone.  He’s pretty good at answering.  While the cell phone rings, I take in the evening air and see…

1.)       A car swerve to the curb to let a passenger vomit – A million points if it’s a bus returning from a sorority date night.

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