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New “NU Shut The Fuck Up” Page Brings Much-Needed Silence to Northwestern Facebook Community

10 Dec

EVANSTON – Another one of “those goddamn NU profiles” was created yesterday, according to sources who should really be studying for finals.

The profile, named “NU Shut The Fuck Up,” is intended to follow a few recent trend of social experiments done via Facebook in the Northwestern network.  The original profile, “NU Compliments,” was intended to spread joy and love to theatre majors Northwestern students.  Shortly thereafter, “NU Insults” was created to launch superficial insults at kids who like acting undergraduates, and was immediately followed by “NU Complainings” and “Overheard at NU.”

“All of these new profiles add something new to this great community, and I think this newest profile will provide our student body with another cornerstone virtue: silence,” explained Patricia Telles-Irvin, the Northwestern Vice President for Student Affairs, who admitted to having made the account.  “I’m really excited to see how this page influences the Northwestern community.”

And mushroom-stamping him.

Schapiro, immediately after defeating Vin Diesel in a best-of-15 arm-wrestling championship.

Northwestern President Morton Schapiro seemed disinterested in the profile.

“I mean, I guess kids can do whatever they want.  Whatever makes them happy,” stated Schapiro from his bedside, where Mila Kunis happened to be nakedly basking in his aura.  “I just know that this new profile won’t make the university much money, and it sure as hell won’t boost our rankings in the U.S. News and World Report.  I better not get a goddamn request for funding from it or I will literally falcon-punch whoever is the ASG President.”

Added Schapiro, “Is it still the Asian kid?”

Response from the student body seemed to be relatively positive.  Of respondents who were studying for their Organic Chemistry final, 96% said they “strongly agreed” that the profile is a positive influence in the Northwestern community.  The only opposition to the profile came from one self-reporting respondent who identified himself as “That one twat who finished finals last Wednesday like a goddamn assbag.”

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