Is Mississippi State To Blame For Kennedy’s Assassination?

13 Dec
But seriously.

But seriously.

The Tragedy: On Nov. 22, 1963, American president and lustful giver of penis John F. Kennedy was assassinated while driving in a motorcade through Dallas, Texas. Kennedy’s death robbed the nation of a popular president who had successfully told the Soviet Union do the fucking-itself thing, and robbed Kennedy of more of the blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe.

Moments before Mississippi probably took him out.

Moments before Mississippi State probably took him out.

The Evidence: So where is exactly were the Mississippi State Bulldogs on the afternoon of November 22nd? In Starkville, Mississippi? Not very likely. According to my just-completed survey of the worst locations in Oktibbeha County, Starkville is the worst. And if Mississippi State was in Starkville all day, why didn’t anyone mupload it? In fact, I don’t see a single mupload or Instagram proving where MSU was that fateful day. Looks to me like someone is tryna hide something. Like their role in the public assassination of a sitting president.

Now, I know what you’re saying at this point: “Wow, that’s a really well-reasoned and convincing argument, Sir T-Worth, but what motivation would Mississippi State have for that?” The answer is two-fold. First, Kennedy was on the verge of forcing public schools and universities to integrate, something that Mississippi State feared would force their students to interact with students outside of their own ethnic group. But that’s just the cover story. The real truth here is that MSU was angry that their James C. Kennedy Endowed Chair in Waterfowl and Wetlands Conservation was quickly becoming irrelevant as a more endowed Kennedy swept the nation of its collective feet and out of its collective panties. Realizing their reputation was on the line, The Dirty Cowbell had to take action.

Gee, what's all that camo for, James C. Kennedy?!

Gee, what’s all that camo for, James C. Kennedy?

Finally, it’s clear that Mississippi State had the opportunity. Where was Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly stationed as he, along with between one and 19 other gunmen, took out the president? The Texas Schoolbook Depository. Does Mississippi State perhaps have its own schoolbook depository? Maybe some sort of store on campus that sells textbooks to the Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby’s of the world? Why yes, yes it does. Case. Fucking. Closed.

The Verdict: Mississippi State is nearly entirely responsible for the Kennedy Assassination, and based on the NCAA’s actions against Penn State, the Bulldogs’ program could face up to one year of probation! And a loss of scholarships! So. Justice and stuff.

4 Responses to “Is Mississippi State To Blame For Kennedy’s Assassination?”


  1. Is Mississippi State To Blame For Titanic Sinking? « Sherman Ave - December 18, 2012

    […] week, we published our first investigation into what role NU Football’s bowl opponent Mississippi State played in a historical tragedy: The […]

  2. Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis! « Sherman Ave - December 28, 2012

    […]  Like seriously, fuck those guys.  I was under the impression that we had all acknowledged their assassination of JFK and sinking of the Titanic, and collectively agreed that they were horrible, horrible actions. […]

  3. What You’re Doing Over Winter Break « Sherman Ave - December 29, 2012

    […] Watching a shit-ton of really mediocre bowl games. While you wait to see NU beat up on those Kennedy-assassinating, Titanic-sinking, syphillis-spreading Bulldogs from Mississippi State, you’re sitting around […]

  4. Sherman Ave Bowl Game Predictions « Sherman Ave - December 31, 2012

    […] fighting for their first bowl win in 63 years. Northwestern is facing a Mississippi State team that helped in the assassination of JFK, caused the sinking of the Titanic, injected monkeys with syphilis, and are currently working to […]

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