The 6 Types of People There Are

15 Dec

JLaw, of course, is in a class all by herself. We just wanted to include a picture of her.

JLaw, of course, is in a class all for herself. We just wanted to include a picture of her.

1. People who say “I” instead of “me” in an attempt to appear intelligent, but who really should be saying “me”, given the grammatical context

Example: “People like you and I don’t care about what anyone else thinks.”

These people are liars who a) do care about what everyone thinks, as evidenced by their pathetic attempt to fool others into believing that they passed 5th grade Language Arts, and who b) are actually quite unintelligent.

These people suck. Ignore them entirely.

2. People who speak to you in Spanish before the professor gets to class

Look at you! Such a natural. I’m gonna try to be your friend, since you have such stellar Spanish skillz!

Above is an example of shit absolutely no one says.

If I were to rank the people of the world, I’d probably have to place these asswipes somewhere between Joseph Kony and the people who introduce themselves by their name and Greek affiliation. You can recognize them by several defining characteristics, such as changing your name to the closest Spanish equivalent and the incapacity to shut up about how they ate the greatest chicharones over the weekend. On the rare occasion that these pathetic excuses for human beings do speak English, they will strategically insert pauses between words in order to convey the additional mental exertion required to speak their own fucking language.

Perhaps people who exhibit these characteristics are trying to make you feel inferior to them in an attempt to feel more confident (a total waste of time, considering the fact that their douchebaggery decreases their worth far more than their ability to fake a Spanish accent helps them). It may also be the case that they’re not here to make friends, they’re here to win (at Spanish)!!!

I think it goes without saying that these people are guaranteed a spot on my hit list. They do not deserve your tolerance, let alone an A.

3. People who stop in the middle of sharing a personal anecdote after realizing the story isn’t really going anywhere

I love you, and I strive to be like you. In saving my time and preventing my lapse into not-giving-a-fuck-and-liking-you-less-because-you-don’t-even-seem-to-care-that-I’m-getting-annoyed, you have gained both my respect and my appreciation, thus saving our relationship.

These wonderfully self-aware and conscientious human beings are arguably the best type of people there is.

4. People who claim to dislike “Call Me Maybe

These people, like the rest of us, will ultimately be unable to resist the impossibly catchy melody and the vocal prowess of Carly Rae Jepsen. Oh, Carly! I just met you, and this is crazy, but OH MY GOD HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE THE PERFECT COMBINATION OF SEXY AND SWEET AND YOU’RE SO PRETTY AND TALENTED AND THE ONLY THING I WANT IS TO BE YOUR SISTER/BFFL AND I WILL CALL YOU DEFINITELY SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Too much? Never. Because no one — I repeat, NO ONE — doesn’t like this song.

People who say they don’t like “Call Me Maybe” need to stop being pseudo-independent-thinkers and hop on the fucking bandwagon, already.

5. People who capitalize “lol”, “omg”, “wtf”, and “lmfao” in contexts clearly suited for the lower case

Example: “wow LOL that’s funny.”

I feel for these people. Certainly, the use of “OMG” or “WTF” is entirely appropriate when emphasis is needed or when shouting is implied, even if these bigger fellas are floating in a sea of their smaller friends. Otherwise, I can’t help but feel a pang of annoyance and embarrassment for the author’s misguided use of all-caps acronyms. Does the author have Tourette’s? No? Then why does he think it’s acceptable for him to be essentially screaming in the middle of such an un-screamy sentence, especially when the words implied by the acronym do not warrant such a high level of volume? Was that joke really so funny that you would yell “LAWL” in real life? Or is that photo really so outrageous that you need to shout “OH MY GOD” at the top of your lungs to convey the strength of your reaction? I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and guess no, that joke is not that funny and that photo is not that outrageous. Unfortunately, confronting the author about his inappropriate capitalization would require an awkward confrontation that may be perceived as blowing the situation out of proportion. Setting a positive example with a gentle “wtf” every once in a while is all anyone can really do to remedy the situation.

Those who misuse the upper case are utterly lacking in self-awareness. As a result, they unwittingly alienate the people around them. They have my sympathy, but the fate of my relationship with any such person unfortunately depends on the severity of the condition. Take caution when associating yourself with these people.

6. People who are Dakota Fanning

Dakota Fanning is her own class of human. She has this sort of ethereal and fragile air about her and inexplicably seems to radiate both wisdom and naïveté.

My attitude toward Dakota Fanning is one of frightened fascination and wonder.

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