EXCLUSIVE: Chet Haze’s Holiday Album Delayed Indefinitely

16 Dec
The album climaxes with Chet and Ludacris merrily shouting "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

The album climaxes with Chet and Ludacris merrily shouting “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Sources have confirmed that Tom Hanks’ son and Northwestern’s premiere rapper on all things Hollywood, Chet Haze, has decided to segue into rhyming about the holidays but has run into difficulty regarding the release of his seasonal album, Stocking Stuffer.  The album, which is rumored to feature veteran heavy hitters such as Chamillionaire, has been marked with numerous delays.  A track titled, “T-Giving Family Ruckus” co-written by legendary rapper Ja Rule blew the original pre-Thanksgiving release date on account of the rapper still rounding out a 28-month prison sentence for tax evasion and could not make it into a Chicago recording studio with Haze.

“I have no doubt we’ve got a platinum with this,” claimed Pharell Williams who signed on as producer for the project.  Williams, of N.E.R.D fame, has been noted for his ability to pair unlikely talents and his love of Christmastime.  Williams continued, “When you get someone as hot as Snoop [Dogg] in a room with a young kid, like Chet, you know there’s gonna be egos battling.  That said, they put down some killer stuff that’s going to define this holiday season.”

He added, “That is if we can ever get this Billboard charts rocket to release.”

News of the album’s production has gained the attention of major recording labels because it samples many of their artists, ranging from holiday chart toppers like Nat King Cole to classic rockers like Pink Floyd.  Sony BMG’s CEO, Rolf Schmidt-Holtz, stated he will stop at nothing to see that his company gets its share of, as he put it, “a trans-continental winter-month cash and ass express train that’s bound to be hummed in every Toys ‘R’ Us checkout aisle.”

Stocking Stuffer had been set for an incredibly late release this Tuesday, December 18, only one week before Christmas.  However the latest setback, in what should have been a victory lap in Haze’s already illustrious career, came from Nelly Furtado demanding her featured track, “Candy Cane Girl,” be the first released single, which is said to sample Nickelback’s 2005 hit “Rockstar,” instead of “Only One Night (Like Santa) ft. Akon.”  She put into question Akon’s holiday spirit stating, “[Akon] only cares about his birthday.”

Haze has been working continually to see release in time for Christmas Eve at a minimum.  “It hurt real bad when we missed Hanukah,” commented Haze on the string of delays, stating, “Matisyahu helped put together a dope track, so we may not drop [Stocking Stuffer] in 2012.”  Sighing, Haze relented, “At least Christmas comes once every year.”

3 Responses to “EXCLUSIVE: Chet Haze’s Holiday Album Delayed Indefinitely”


  1. Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined | Sherman Ave - March 5, 2013

    […] student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and […]

  2. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Everything Else | Sherman Ave - May 18, 2013

    […] to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty […]

  3. CDC Raises Alarm About Celebrity-Child Rapper Syndrome | Sherman Ave - November 30, 2013

    […] to call two cases an epidemic,” said CDC director Newman Yah, referring to Tom Hanks’ son Chet Haze as the second. “But if you also consider Jaden Smith and Rich Hilfiger, then the picture becomes […]

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