A Game-By-Game Recap of NU’s Football Season

17 Dec

Man, did we get blueballed this season or what?

It was a lot like taking a detour to class through Kellogg to get a Jolly Rancher: sure the only ones left are the grape and even though everyone hates grape Jolly Ranchers, well at least it’s better than nothing. You also managed to avoid walking outside in the cold for another two minutes so all in all you came out better than you normally would have. With a feeling akin to soul-crushing emptiness but you root for Northwestern so don’t get greedy goddamnit.

With clear eyes and full hearts, let’s examine the season that was(n’t).

NU at Syracuse (WIN 42-41):

This really was an incredible game. For a whole 60 minutes, the Northwestern fanbase believed that Trevor Siemian was worth more than a used Nickelback CD and a bucket of campus fox feces. Someday, old alumni will tell their grandkids about the game where Siemian completed three passes in a row that were all in the direction of the opposing team’s endzone. Truly an historic day for Northwestern, Siemian, and Ryan Nassib’s mom.

Willie's on board with our anti-seal clubbing crusade.

Willie’s on board with our anti-seal clubbing crusade.

NU vs. Vanderbilt (WIN 23-13):

I don’t have any idea why a program would teach their players to club innocent little baby seals. I mean, that literally in no way is related to football, and it couldn’t have helped Vanderbilt win any games. But that’s what the Commodores’ offseason training program consisted of. It’s possible that the clubbing of baby seals was some kind of bizarre satanic ritual aimed at trading James Franklin’s soul for a national championship. It didn’t work. Now they just kind of look like assholes.

NU vs. Boston College (WIN 22-13):

The fact that Jeff Budzien had more points than the entire Boston College team should tell you a lot about Boston College. Of course, it also told us a lot about Northwestern, but WE COULDN’T HEAR YOU LALALALA THE OFFENSE IS GREAT. I’m not confident anyone who went to this game had more fun than they would have at a Cher/Chet Haze benefit concert (wait that actually sounds awesome), and further research into the contest revealed that everyone who watched it later gouged out their eyes.

Venric's a one-man Mount RUSHmore.

Venric’s a one-man Mount RUSHmore.

NU vs. South Dakota (WIN 38-7):


NU vs. Indiana (WIN 44-29):

I think the worst thing about this game is that, after getting utterly pantsed by The Kain Colter, Indiana had to get on a bus and drive back to Indiana. Colter, who sources indicated ate all of the Wheaties that morning, torched the Indiana defense 11 guys running around for 131 yards receiving and 161 yards rushing. Holy Fuck. The performance was part of a record-setting 704 yards of total offense and also marked the last time anyone of us were happy/confident/optimistic.

NU at Penn State (Loss 28-39):

The Cats entered the fourth quarter with a lead. The Cats left the fourth quarter trailing by 11. Despite a spirited postgame comeback attempt by Evan Watkins, NU was simply not able to overcome the fact that it lost. This also marked the first time the Wildcats had blown a second half lead since the night before during the bi-weekly NU athletics beer pong tournament, where Pat Fitzgerald and Morty lost a 5 cup lead against Jim Phillips and Luka Mirkovic, eventually falling 10-8. Prior to this game, Northwestern had not lost to Penn State since November 14, 1998. Prior to this article, that joke had been made 793,720 times.

NU at Minnesota (WIN 21-13):

Venric Mark ran over the Minnesota defense for 182 yards on the ground, asked every one of their moms out to a dinner at Taco Bell, was said yes to every time, and then proceeded to stand them all up. It would later be revealed that Mark had no idea Minnesota had a football team and thought he was dreaming during the entire contest. The All-American running back had no comment about the women he’d abandoned but was later seen in the company of an unidentified woman wearing maroon and gold.

Northwestern's "Wear Red and Yell 'Go Cornhuskers'" rally was a HUGE success.

Northwestern’s “Wear Red and Yell ‘Go Cornhuskers'” rally was a HUGE success.

NU vs. Nebraska (Loss 28-29):

Tens of thousands of Northwestern fans showed up to support the Cats against Nebraska, but unfortunately the athletic department scheduled a “wear red and white and yell ‘Go Cornhuskers!’” rally on the same day of the game. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? What otherwise was a completely sound, rational idea was ruined by freak chance. As for the actual game, if there is a hell, and any Northwestern fan is misfortunate enough to wind up there, it consists of being forced to watch a VHS recording of Jeff Budzien’s go-ahead kick fall short on loop.

NU vs. Iowa (WIN 28-17):

Coach Pat Fitzgerald was seen before the game branding himself with a ‘Go Cats’ branding iron and whispering ‘soon.’ Sources have yet to confirm how Fitz feels about the Hawkeyes. Iowa quarterback James Vandenberg was horribly inaccurate throughout the contest, often throwing to the wrong receiver and even the wrong team. Vandenberg attributed this to his inability to read, a disease common throughout Iowa.

NU at Michigan (Outcome unknown):

In what has become known as the “Amnesia Bowl,” every individual associated with the Wildcats’ game against Michigan (coaches, players, media, and fans) was simultaneously hit in the head by a large bust of Pat Fitzgerald’s face. As a result, no one is sure what exactly happened in the game, and the final outcome is known only to God. We can only assume the Cats’ won handily, despite the fact that Michigan secured the victory by winning a game of rock-paper-scissors. Following the game, petitions circulated to remove Michigan’s statehood received millions of signatures but were ignored by Congress.

MSU students turned out in force for the the pivotal matchup.

MSU students turned out in force for the the pivotal matchup.

NU at Michigan State (WIN 23-20):

With a MASSIVE, BIG-TEN DECIDING CONTEST AGAINST ILLINOIS (lol) scheduled for the next week, it’s a wonder the Cats were able to stay focused on the Spartans. Fortunately, Michigan State really kind of sucks this year for some reason, freeing Mark Dantonio’s face in the scowl we see today.

NU vs. Illinois (WIN 50-14):

How’s our ass taste, Illinois?

-Samwise Donkenstein

2 Responses to “A Game-By-Game Recap of NU’s Football Season”


  1. The Six Athletes NU Students Hate Most « Sherman Ave - December 30, 2012

    […] was the man chosen by God to be on the receiving end of the Michigan Hail Mary, which, according to sources with knowledge of the situation, resulted in the instantaneous death of our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. And it was just kind of […]

  2. NU Basketball Big Ten Preview « Sherman Ave - January 3, 2013

    […] they’re assholes: Think how bad the overtime loss was in football. That happened last year in basketball. […]

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