CTECs: If you don’t look like this, nobody wants you to e-mail them.
EVANSTON – The Northwestern CTEC Office, responsible for managing course evaluations at the university, reportedly e-mailed the student body on Saturday morning “just to say hey and see how things have been going.”
“I just haven’t heard from you in a while and I was wondering how things were going,” read the e-mail, which was unceremoniously thrusted into the inbox of over 8,000 innocent, unsuspecting undergraduates. “How are the parents? How are classes? Are you still hooking up with that cute girl from your floor freshman year?”
The e-mail, which somehow appears to have been personalized for each student, inquired about a breadth of topics ranging from “Does your roommate still have a thing for Asian girls?” to “Remember that one time you took a shit on the roof of Swift?”
Concluded the e-mail, “I’d really love for you to give me a call or even a snapchat or something. Any time before 11:59pm on Sunday, December 16th sounds great.”
Reactions to the e-mail spanned a broad spectrum of attitudes. Some students, like McCormick freshman Kyle Barton, felt the e-mail was thoughtful and nostalgic.
“Honestly, I thought the e-mail was really nice,” said the engineer, in an interview conducted in his room in Slivka. “It makes me feel good to know that someone out there is thinking of me.”
Others responded rather negatively.
“Jesus f***ing Christ,” responded everyone else in a phone interview. “If I get one more goddamn e-mail from the CTEC Office, I’m literally going to stab a prostitute, cut out her small intestine, and use it to strangle whoever is sending me those e-mails. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a lot of shots and go do my CTECs.”
One misguided sophomore theatre major even chose to adapt the e-mail as a monologue for his Spring General auditions.
The CTEC Office could not be reached for comment, as it was engaged in a knife-fight with Mark Witte to determine ultimate ownership of the coveted “#1 Douchehole Who Sends A Lot of E-mails” title.
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