Is Mississippi State To Blame For The Titanic Sinking?

18 Dec

Last week, we published our first investigation into what role NU Football’s bowl opponent Mississippi State played in a historical tragedy: The Kennedy Assassination. This week we continue our investigation, this time looking into how MSU may be responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.

January 1st, we avenge the Jack Dawson.

January 1st, we avenge Jack Dawson.

The Tragedy: On April 15, 1912, more than 1,500 people died as the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg on its maiden voyage and sunk in the North Atlantic. Much like Mississippi State’s season, the Titanic had been built up in the press and praised widely before running into real competition, which quickly sank it and destroyed its dreams of being remembered as anything but an unmitigated disaster.

The Evidence: Did you know that not a single person from Mississippi probably died on the Titanic? Yep, it’s more than a little suspicious that as the rest of the world lost its brothers and sisters, Mississippi probably just sat back and watched, probably unaffected by the tragedy. Seem a little too convenient? That’s because it probably is.

MSU was seen celebrating as women and children died.

MSU was seen celebrating as women and children died in the tragedy.

See, just a few decades earlier, in 1865, the SS Sultana crashed and burned in the Mississippi River, killing 1,600 people off the coast of Memphis, presumably as some sort of Holy Retribution for that whole “enslavement of an entire race” thing that Mississippi had just fought a war to protect. As gruesome as the tragedy was, it lacked a catchy name. As anyone born in the Twitter.com-era knows, if something isn’t catchy and hashtaggable, it will likely be forgotten faster than my pledge to stop licking pictures of Jennifer Lawrence.

MSU, having warned all 12 people in Mississippi to stay off the Titanic, watched as the ship went down faster than a Starkville girl on anyone without a Southern accent. Once the tragic deed was done (which is also how recipients of Starkville girl bj’s refer to those as well), there was a clear nickname for the Sultana disaster: The Titanic of Mississippi. Thanks to that fun-to-say catchphrase, the Sultana has remained in public knowledge, and has even earned its own Wikipedia page!!! It’s pretty much the biggest accomplishment Mississippi State has ever had.

Then again, Mississippi State did give us more Maggie Smith...

Then again, Mississippi State did give us more Maggie Smith…

The Verdict: Mississippi State is entirely to blame. Had the Bulldogs not jarred that iceberg free in a plot to stir up more publicity for themselves, the Titanic never would have sunk and the entire plot of Downton Abbey would never have occurred. So… Um I can’t tell if I should hate them or thank them? I’m gonna go with punch them in the esophagus. That seems like a good middle ground.

3 Responses to “Is Mississippi State To Blame For The Titanic Sinking?”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis! « Sherman Ave - December 28, 2012

    […] guys.  I was under the impression that we had all acknowledged their assassination of JFK and sinking of the Titanic, and collectively agreed that they were horrible, horrible actions.  But APPARENTLY, Mississippi […]

  2. What You’re Doing Over Winter Break « Sherman Ave - December 29, 2012

    […] of really mediocre bowl games. While you wait to see NU beat up on those Kennedy-assassinating, Titanic-sinking, syphillis-spreading Bulldogs from Mississippi State, you’re sitting around wondering whether […]

  3. Sherman Ave Bowl Game Predictions « Sherman Ave - December 31, 2012

    […] Northwestern is facing a Mississippi State team that helped in the assassination of JFK, caused the sinking of the Titanic, injected monkeys with syphilis, and are currently working to secede from the United States. […]

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