Things You Should Do During Christmas

24 Dec

There’s nothing quite like Christmas.  This special holiday has the power to get Fox news commentators up in arms, replace your favorite TV shows with endless holiday specials, and temporarily make it socially acceptable for certain bearded fat men to let children they don’t know sit on their laps.

However, once Christmas arrives, many people are unsure just what to do with this magical time.  Some sit around praying that they get the present they want (a night of passion with Jennifer Lawrence).  Others sit around with their family, listening for the millionth time to their grandfathers’ story of how he slept with Audrey Hepburn, and wishing they were anywhere else.  So, here’s a list of things you can do instead.

This could be you!

This could be you!

  1. Public Intoxication: Due to the fact that It’s Christmas, most places will be either totally abandoned or so busy that no one will notice the fact that you’re shitfaced.  Most of the people who do notice your inebriation will be employees too angry about the fact that they’re working on Christmas to care.  So go out into the world with your drunk self and have fun.
  2. Streaking: What type of a person goes to a park on Christmas day?  Nobody, that’s who.  This means that if you want, you can go all sorts of places naked, and totally get away with it.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to climb to the top of a playground in a public park and pee off of it?  Well now you can find out.  Normally, this wouldn’t be a good idea to do in December due to the cold, but this year it’s possible because winter is fucking refusing to happen.
  3. Go to a Chinese Restaurant: Everybody except for Mel Gibson loves the Jews!  And Christmas offers a rare opportunity to see every single Jewish person you know at once.  Just stop by a Chinese restaurant during dinner.  That nice Jewish guy who lives down the street? There.  That Lawyer/Doctor/(Other stereotypical profession held by a Jewish person) that you love? There.  Natalie Portman?  There.[i]  So make sure you stop on by at dinnertime.
  4. Be Krampus: Though most people remember the happy, positive, and fun Christmas traditions, there are plenty of other ones that you can use to have a good time (at everyone else’s expense).  Legend has it that during the Christmas season, the demon Krampus would go around abducting naughty children in a burlap sack, then taking them into the fiery pits of hell.  (The tradition, unsurprisingly, comes from Germany).  So have a little fun by dressing up as a demon, pretending to be krampus, and scaring the shit out of everyone!  (Since hell is a little far away, if you abduct kids just drive them through Detroit.  Its similar enough).
  5. Be glad you’re not in Catalonia: I can already picture your confusion.  “Wait,” you’re thinking, “be thankful that I’m not in a region known for its beautiful women and beaches?”  You’re damn right, because come the yuletide season, that region literally goes to shit.  Catalonia has a handful of bizarre Christmas traditions. The people of Catalonia (also known as Catalans,  or women I want to sleep with) include a guy taking a shit in the nativity scene, because why the hell not?  Its not like its kind of weird to have a guy taking a dump right next to the baby Jesus.  Yet the Catalan obsession with X-mas excrement doesn’t stop there.  Catalonian Christmas also involves a log that smiles and poops out presents.  I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t feel comfortable with something giving its poop to me as a present.  So be glad that you aren’t in Catalonia for Christmas.
    Let it snow! Or like, rain piss. Whatever.

    Let it snow! Or like, rain piss. Whatever.


  6. Dress up as Santa: Just like dressing up in a banana suit, being Santa has magical powers.  Ordinary, mundane, and stupid things become amazing and hilarious.  For instance … Riding a motorcycle?  Normal.  Riding a motorcycle as Santa? Awesome. Doing the dance for Gangnam Style?  Cool.  Doing the dance for Gangnam Style as Santa?  Awesome.  Drunkenly peeing in an alleyway at 11 in the morning[ii]? Pathetic.  Santa drunkenly peeing in an alleyway at 11 in the morning?  Awesome.  So go ahead.  Dress up as Santa, and watch every single thing you do become ten times cooler.

[i] In my dreams.  Going to a Chinese restaurant (sadly) does not guarantee seeing Natalie Portman.

[ii] Despite what video evidence and my criminal record say, I NEVER ACTUALLY DID THIS.

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