Things I Wanted for Christmas but Didn’t Get

27 Dec
Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

I only asked for a few things this Christmas, but unfortunately Santa decided to bring me socks and Chapstick instead. So, I’m reaching out to the loyal readers of the Ave. If you are still feeling the holiday spirit, I would love nothing more than to receive the following:

Bacon Lube
Everything should taste like bacon. Why? Because everyone and their mother loves bacon. So when a fellow Sherman Ave writer told me this existed I knew I had to have it. Even the product description says it can take me from a bacon lover to a bacon lover. GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Bacon Toothpaste

I wasn’t kidding when I said everything should taste like bacon. I would eat this stuff straight out of the tube if someone gave it to me. If a man used this, I would be all over him faster than a bunch of preteens at a Justin Bieber concert.

Microwave Cooking for One

It may seem like it says “I know you spend every night alone and you don’t even know how to make mac-and-cheese,” but this is actually a cookbook I would use every day. I am a poor college student; I don’t have the time or money to make “real” food, Mom. The meat thermometer you gave me is going to do me absolutely no good until I can afford more than just Ramen.


A Snuggie is more than a blanket. It’s more than a robe. It’s the happiness I’ve been looking for but Santa denied me this Christmas. It would keep me warm always; whether sleeping, sitting, standing, or walking. I prefer it in leopard print but will accept any color.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Wait, this was voted the most unpopular Christmas gift of 2012? I can’t imagine why. I was told this is an exciting story about a rich man and how a sweet young girl fell in love with him. Also, I’ve heard this wonderful novel is part of a trilogy? Feel free to send me all three!

Whoopee Cushion

I don’t know about you, but I have the same sense of humor as an 11-year-old boy. Which means I think anything poop related is absolutely hilarious. Seriously, you could say the word “poop” and I would probably definitely laugh.

Give the gift that keeps on giving this holiday season by completing the 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll!

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