Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis!

28 Dec
Mississippi State Head Coach Dan Mullen, relentlessly taunting a family of syphilis-ridden monkeys.

Mississippi State Head Coach Dan Mullen, relentlessly taunting a family of syphilis-ridden monkeys.

Okay, readers, listen up: I know that your Facebook newsfeed, Twitterfeed, and TV commercial breaks are saturated with people trying to enlist you for causes.  In fact, just yesterday someone invited me to play Farmville.  But this is something much, much more important – more important than any other cause, even battered puppies being serenaded by Sarah McLachlan.

The Mississippi State University football team is kidnapping innocent monkeys from the Amazon Rainforest and injecting them with syphilis.

For fun.

Yes, it’s pretty fucking heinous.  First of all, THEY ARE MONKEYS.  Who wants to hurt monkeys?  They’re like humans, but they haven’t evolved quite enough to develop the essential human trait of sadism, or opposable thumbs.  They simply want to climb trees, eat bananas, and throw lots and lots of fecal matter at one another.  If we’re going to allow animals to be injected with syphilis simply for throwing shit at one another, what comes next?  Are we going to allow humans to be injected with syphilis for throwing shit at one another?  No, but seriously, let me know if we are.  If so, I’m going to have to tell my girlfriend that we need a new Valentine’s Day activity.

An innocent primate, shortly after receiving a rectal injection of syphilis.

An innocent primate, shortly after receiving a rectal injection of syphilis.

And as if harming monkeys is not in itself an abominable act, they are injecting them with syphilis.  SYPHILIS.  Do you guys know how much syphilis sucks?  Yeah, I don’t either.  But for one of my classes last spring, I had to read some first-hand accounts from Christopher Columbus, and he seemed like a troubled dude.  Probably because of all the syphilis.  Also, giving monkeys STDs seems like punishing them for having sex, and the mental image of monkeys having sex is too cute hilarious to disappear.

Lastly, fuck Mississippi State.  Like seriously, fuck those guys.  I was under the impression that we had all acknowledged their assassination of JFK and sinking of the Titanic, and collectively agreed that they were horrible, horrible actions.  But APPARENTLY, Mississippi State “University” has decided that they have to keep going.

Sick.  Just sick.

3 Responses to “Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis!”

  1. Karl Knabb February 7, 2013 at 1:26 am #

    Syphilis is caused by the treponema pallidum sprichete. Even if it is considered a sexually transmitted disease, it isn’t always acquired through sexual contact. There are rare cases where the infectious organism is passed on through open wounds or lesions as point of entry. Syphilis may also be passed on from mother to fetus during pregnancy and childbirth. It is a sad fact, though, that 25 percent of fetuses born of syphilitic mothers end up in stillbirths, while the remaining 75 percent develop congenital syphilis which may aggravate into another medical complication if left untreated. Also, people with syphilitic sores who remain sexually active are at higher risk of acquiring HIV or AIDS.,

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What You’re Doing Over Winter Break « Sherman Ave - December 29, 2012

    […] bowl games. While you wait to see NU beat up on those Kennedy-assassinating, Titanic-sinking, syphillis-spreading Bulldogs from Mississippi State, you’re sitting around wondering whether they’re really allowed […]

  2. Sherman Ave Bowl Game Predictions « Sherman Ave - December 31, 2012

    […] Mississippi State team that helped in the assassination of JFK, caused the sinking of the Titanic, injected monkeys with syphilis, and are currently working to secede from the United States. Northwestern is fighting for justice […]

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