What You’re Doing Over Winter Break

29 Dec

We’re a full three-ish weeks into Winter Break now, and all your productive little plans have collapsed faster than the economy once we go off the fiscal cliff, rite?! Rite. But with the help of all those fun little hidden cameras we’ve installed in all of our readers apartments/dorms/houses (you would not BELIEVE what goes on in young Chester’s apartment… hint: marijuana drugging), we know what you’ve been up to:

1. Not changing out of your pajamas. And why should you? This is break, bitches! Sleep till 2pm. Wear your comfy jamjmaz all day. Don’t shower, workout, get dressed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, or, most importantly, come into contact with another human person. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine to bum around all day over break, but do NOT for a moment be fooled into thinking that your friends will understand. Just hide in your house, dirty and unkempt, until you decide you’re ready for human interaction. Then shower up, shave that back, throw some Lacoste on and get ready to get muploaded.

We'll stayyyyy, foreverrrrr this wayyyyy

We’ll stayyyyy, foreverrrrr this wayyyyy

2. Crying openly because Jack and Rose 4Eva. Leo DiCaprio walked Kate Winslet down the aisle at her wedding. This is like, really really important. Take a moment. Think about it. Think about how six-year-old you would have felt if, as that bitch watched your best friends drown in the icy Atlantic, someone had told you that some day he would give her away at her wedding. Now imagine that it’s the ghost of Jack Dawson giving Rose away so she can finally find happiness. Now weep only.

3. Snapchatting all of the people. “I’m doing something, so I should take a picture and send it to all my friends but only for four secondz!”- 1/3 of Snapchat users. “I’m absolutely wasteypants right now! Time to get emotional about Jen Aniston, take selfies and send them to all my friends for eight secondz!” – 1/3 of Snapchat users. “I’m naked and an irredeemable horndog. Time to take sexi pictures of my sexi junk and send them to the bitchez for two seconds.” – 1/3 of Snapchat users.

4. Watching a shit-ton of really mediocre bowl games. While you wait to see NU beat up on those Kennedy-assassinating, Titanic-sinking, syphillis-spreading Bulldogs from Mississippi State, you’re sitting around wondering whether they’re really allowed to name a school Ball State, what the fuck a Belk is, and why you didn’t transfer to Arizona State. And hating those goddamn Alec Baldwin Capital One commercials that are on every four and a half seconds.

But I wanted the WHITE iPhone!

But I wanted the WHITE iPhone!

5. Returning Christmas presents. It used to be that you returned clothes you got for Christmas that don’t fit. That was a simpler time. Now, you’re stuck returning well-intentioned technological gifts that you did not want and will not use. That iPhone case your Aunt Gemima got you for your Galaxy S II Note? That means an hour and a half trip to Target to get your $33 in store credit.  And while it was super thoughtful for your cousins to get you that Kindle, you already get all your e-bookz on your iPad so where’s the nearest Amazon store…?

6. Looking for internships. This was gonna be the year! You were gonna land the perfect summer gig: good pay, great opportunities, in a fun city, and in a field you like. Unfortunately, all those internships were snapped up in September, so instead you’re spending break begging for any shitty unpaid gig you can find. But don’t sweat it, Career Services is here to help! LOL.

7. Working at that shitty retail job you thought you escaped. You remember vividly the day you left that hell hole, smirking as you thought of a life free from horrendous hours, minimum wage and intolerable bosses. But then you went to college, found out shit is expensive, got stuck doing unpaid internships and realized you had to go back to work over break. Our advice: memorize episodes of How I Met Your Mother and act them out with customers to pass the time. It’ll be fun for the whole family!

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