Sherman Ave Bowl Game Predictions

31 Dec

With the college football season coming to a close, we here at Sherman Ave wanted to provide our in-depth analysis on the final week of sports in the academic year when Northwestern will be relevant – Bowl Week.

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska vs. Georgia, Jan. 1

Remember that time when the Big Ten lobbied against Northwestern being in the Capital One Bowl in favor of a Nebraska team that #GotFucked and lost to a 7-5 Wisconsin team that lost by 49 points? So do we. However, Sherman Ave is an impartial source of fair, intelligent journalism, which is why we’re projecting that NEBRASKA IS GOING TO GET FUCKING RAILED! Nebraska is going to get fucked so hard that they’re going to be walking with a limp until the start of next season. This is a corn-shucking, pig-fucking (Really, they have sex with pigs) bunch of nobodies  playing against a Georgia team that came within five yards of playing in the Championship Game. Nebraska’s marquee victory this year was against a weakened Michigan team that didn’t have Denard Robinson. Georgia’s best victory? Florida. Yeah. Think about that.

Expect this game to look like a battle between a decent team out of a weak Big Ten Conference versus one of the SEC’s powerhouse team – because that’s what it is.

Prediction: Georgia 42 – Nebraska 17

Outback Bowl 2010. #Never4get

Outback Bowl 2010. #Never4get

Outback Bowl

Michigan vs. South Carolina, Jan. 1

In yet another act of spite towards the Wildcats, Michigan was selected over Northwestern for its second bowl game of the year, with the first being the Amnesia Bowl against Northwestern that occurred on a hazy November afternoon. The story for the Outback Bowl looks very similar to that of the Capital One Bowl: A bunch of fucks who snuck out a last-second victory against Northwestern competing against a team ready to stomp the shit out of them. Michigan’s only apparent ranked victory this year, according to ESPN, was against the Wildcats (the details of the Amnesia Bowl are still unclear), while the GameCOCKS (cocks. Like penises. You get it), have been able to beat multiple ranked teams, including a dismantling of Georgia early in the season. The stage is set for South Carolina to beat down the Wolverines like they beat down civil rights. However, despite the likelihood that South Carolina wins the football game, both teams are losers in this matchup, since they will be forced to realize that, no matter what happens, they still live in Michigan and South Carolina.

Prediction: South Carolina 31 – Michigan 13

 

Orange Bowl

Northern Illinois vs. Florida State, Jan. 1

The Orange Bowl, this year known as The Excitement Bowl or The “What the Fuck is Northern Illinois University, Is There Anything North of Chicago Bowl?” is going to be everyone’s favorite televised mauling this year. The Huskies are sure to lose to the more talented Seminoles and leave Miami the way they came: as Illinois’ fifth most popular university – just ahead of the University of Chicago “Maroons” (because that’s apparently an acceptable mascot at UChicago. A fucking color. God.).

Prediction: Florida State 37 – NIU 10

 

He'd rather go to Bumblefuck than coach in this game.

He’d rather go to Bumblefuck than coach in this game.

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin vs. Stanford, Jan. 1

There’s only one thing worse than the Nebraska Pigfuckers being selected over the Wildcats for the Capital One Bowl: the Big Ten’s crown disappointment, Wisconsin, playing in the Rose Bowl. Fresh off a 10-2 season and a pre-season filled with high expectations, Wisconsin promptly shit the bed. Wisconsin Northwesterned even harder than Northwestern this season, surrendering several early game leads and losing three games in overtime this season. However, despite this Wisconsin’s pathetic season, Terrelle Pryor’s love of free tattoos and the disaster that is Penn State left the door open for Wisconsin to come into the Big Ten Championship game, bend Nebraska over the sideline bench, and treat them like the Cornhuskers treat pigs. Although the Badgers come into the Rose Bowl with the well-earned confidence befitting of a team that almost went 7-6, Stanford comes into the game with the pent-up frustration of years of longing to get into actual Ivy League schools (See: Duke), and, well, actual talent. Stanford will  make Wisconsin feel like most people from Wisconsin do on a daily basis: bad.

Prediction: Stanford 27 – Wisconsin 17

 

BCS National Championship

Alabama vs. Notre Dame, Jan. 7

It’s a tale as old as time – the perennial powerhouse against the underdog, the present leader against the past superpower, the elephant against the leprechaun. This year’s National Championship game will feature the most dominant team in the country – and Notre Dame. Let’s be serious here guys, the only area where Notre Dame ranks number one is in the total number of students wishing they attended anywhere but Notre Dame. Notre Dame, otherwise known as every Midwestern students’ back-up school for Northwestern, may have an undefeated record – but they are in way over their heads. It’s going to be like watching mechanical engineers try to pick-up Comm Studies majors – you respect their efforts, but you know that it’s only going to end sadly, with them heading home alone, cry-maxing in their beds, and wishing they would’ve had more realistic expectations.

Be ready for a close start as the teams figure each other out, and then witness in horror as Alabama picks up the pace and Alabamas all over the Fighting Irish.

Prediction: Alabama 48 – Notre Dame 27

 

Gator Bowl

Northwestern vs. Mississippi State, Jan. 1

He's faster than you. And better than you.

He’s faster than you. And better than you.

It’s the biggest game of the year for Northwestern. In the TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl with no horrible sponsor names that include websites, the Wildcats are not just fighting for their first bowl win in 63 years. Northwestern is facing a Mississippi State team that helped in the assassination of JFK, caused the sinking of the Titanic, injected monkeys with syphilis, and are currently working to secede from the United States. Northwestern is fighting for justice and for America. More importantly though, Northwestern is fighting for itself – against itself. With a healthy Kain Colter and Venric Mark, it seems the greatest challenge to Northwestern’s victory will be itself. Northwestern will have to work to keep itself from Northwesterning all over the place in order to ensure its victory against the Bulldogs – because honestly, how can we lose to a team from Mississippi? I mean, Mississippi? As one notable journalist stated:

 “The state name is 11 characters long, and only uses four letters from the alphabet. That’s like if you gave me a house and ten different colors of paint, and then told me I could paint the house however I wanted. You suggested I use at least five of the colors, but nothing was mandatory. Then, I decided to defecate and wiped my feces on the wall. That’s what I think when I think Mississippi: a house covered in shit.”

Northwestern cannot, and likely will not, lose to Mississippi State. Despite Northwestern’s best efforts to give away the game, the high-powered offense of the Wildcats will lead to their first bowl victory in 63 years.

Prediction: Northwestern 38 – Mississippi State 28

 

If any readers have comments or questions about Sherman Ave’s picks or decision-making process, don’t hesitate to CALL ME MAYBE!

2 Responses to “Sherman Ave Bowl Game Predictions”

  1. mechachode January 2, 2013 at 12:09 am #

    I think Sherman Ave. will be my source for all sports predictions from now on.

  2. Jack G January 6, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    Your predictions are spot on so far. In the late 70’s or early 80’s Sports Illustrated made a pre-season prediction of a 0-0 tie between NU and Illinois in the season finale. Both teams floundered like upended turtles around the 50 yard line for the entire 60 minutes and the score was indeed 0-0. I don’t know if that was the most amazingly accurate prediction ever for a remote sporting event or simply the result of applying sound reasoning and logic in predicting a perfect storm of football ineptitude in the collision of 2 perfectly inept teams. Fortunately Northwestern has emerged from the dark morass of football futility and stands now on the precipice of greatness. Illinois – not so much! I just hope to God we never play them again at Wrigley Field. There seems to be some dark cosmic force centered there that sucks the energy from any Chicago Team, rendering them impotent and incapable of winning a championship, or cross-state rivalry game. Playing the game in only one direction had to have upset some sort of cosmic football karma also, causing the loss and the prior Achilles injury to Dan Persa, as the space time continuum was also totally messed up. As a side note, my daughter works at IO on Clark Street near Wrigley. She absolutely hates the Cubs, their fans, the stadium, and everything they stand for, as she is regularly accosted and molested by drunken fans leaving the “friendly confines”. Enough meandering. I turned 63 years old today, and can now say with pride that Northwestern University has won a bowl game in my lifetime! I’m going to celebrate my birthday by watching the Gator Bowl replay for a 5th time. Go Cats!

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