What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting: A Guide to Surviving the Non-Apocalyptic World

2 Jan
And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

If you’re like me, you likely spent the better part of 2012 in eager anticipation of the coming Apocalypse. You restocked the bomb shelter, EMP-proofed your electronics, and talked at length about the end of the world with other True Believers—or really anyone at all. You also tasted some bitter disappointment when, once-again, the world refused end. Even allowing for slight error on the part of the Mayans, a new year has dawned and it seems it’s here to stay. What’s worse, no new apocalyptic visions have appeared to fill the gap left by 12/21/12. So what’s the average apocalypse chaser to do now that there are no more world-ending catastrophes looming on the horizon? In this short guide, I’ll give you some tips and tricks to reintegrate yourself into human society—at least until the next apocalypse gets announced.

1.    Make Soup!

At this point, you’ve probably got a LOT of cans of tomato soup stocked up, but did you know you could also open those cans, cook them, and make soup that you can eat? It may sound crazy, but without the second coming of Jesus or an impending solar flare to look forward to, those cans are just going to waste. Why not cook some up for your neighbors? Better yet, invite their children in to help you. Interacting with children is a good way to shake the “insane conspiracy theorist” stereotype and show them that you’re just like all the other normal humans. You could even bring the kids down to your bunker and show them around. Be proud of your handiwork!

2.    Get a Job

More than likely, you quit your job and closed all your bank accounts in preparation for The Big One. Perhaps you took a big shit on your supervisors desk, or ran naked through the office to the musical stylings of Huey Lewis and the News. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. But, just as you would prepare for the long years of nuclear winter, so too must you prepare for several months or even years of a stable and non-anarchic society, which means getting a job. If security is what you’re looking for, local factories are always looking for new hires, even better if they produce goods you may need one day to prepare for a new apocalypse. The more adventurous of you could probably take up bounty hunting, or my personal favorite, assassination. The risk is high, but the pay is good, hours adjustable, and you get to put your large assortment of high-powered weaponry to good use. Failing either of those, you could always become a talk radio host, or a Republican politician.

3.    Reconnect With Family

The life of a True Believer is a lonely one, and often it is those closest to us who we must leave behind. However, since you spent last Christmas holed up in an air-tight, steel-reinforced concrete shelter, you’ll probably have some bridges to mend for the coming year. Why not surprise your parents or siblings this year by making them breakfast in their own home? They’ve likely changed their locks since the last time, so some experience in lock picking would be useful. Perhaps you could gather some grass and weeds into a nice bouquet for your mother or sister. Make sure NOT to use any flowers however—that’s how They spread Their spores. Be very wary of flowers. If you’re not the cooking type, showing up at their place of work or school is a great way to put a smile on their face. And if you appear pitiful enough, you might even get a free meal and shower out it!

Those are all the tips I have right now for you fellow True Believers. 2013 will be long, and it will be hard, but just as we were ready for Y2K, and May 21 2011, and October 21 2011, and December 21 2012, so too shall we be ready for this. Don’t think of 2013 as a new beginning, think of it as a new end. One which we will be exceptionally prepared for, as we always have.

See you on the other side, brothers!

And what better way to celebrate the world surviving 2012 than by taking the 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll!?

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