The first day of classes is exciting, and possibly even one of the best days of the year, reported a student with a scrotum where his face should be in a press conference this morning.
The student, a freshman studying Social Policy who wished to remain anonymous – likely because of the massive nutsack on his head – went on to admit that he had been looking forward to the first day of classes since before Christmas.
“It’s terrific – you get to find out who is in your classes, discover what you’ll be learning throughout the next three months, and start to forge relationships with your professors,” said the student, who reeked of overeagerness and smegma. “Sometimes you even get to have classes in new buildings, which is pretty cool, ya know?”
Classmates of the student reported that his excitement was pretty apparent throughout the duration of the class.
“I got to class three minutes early to make sure I could get a seat, and suddenly, I look in the front row and there’s just this giant ballbag with a body, opening up Microsoft Word on his Macbook,” said Jenny Scofield, a sophomore Humanities major in the student’s Intro to Psychology lecture. “I honestly don’t understand why he was sitting in the front row. He knows there’s a balcony, right? I mean, that’s where I would want to sit if, you know, my facial features were masked by a big, hairy protein pendulum.”
The student’s professors, while trying not to be judgmental or impolite, did admit to being distracted by the gargantuan facial coin purse.
“After teaching here for 27 years, I’ve become more than accustomed to seeing students act overly animated and excited in class,” explained a professor in the Economics department. “But a walking skinbag of chin knockers? Never heard of it. At least, not since I taught at Brown.”