Report: Every Single Girl Going Through Sorority Recruitment Has “Just the Cutest Top Ever”

10 Jan

A study recently released by the Northwestern University Office for Research found that ever single freshman girl who has decided to begin the sorority recruitment process owns “just the cutest top ever.” It seems that every single girl who will enter into a sorority house in the next five days will be in possession of “the cutest top you’ve ever seen in your whole life, even cuter than the one on the girl who was just talking to the sorority sister before the girl she is currently talking to, even though she swore that last one was ‘more beautiful than anything in the world, like, ever’ and that it went ‘just so perfectly with those adorable platforms’ that other girl was wearing.”

What that one sorority girl totally looked like.  Not pictured: Mortals

What that one sorority girl totally looked like. Not pictured: Mortals

When asked for comment, an anonymous member of the Delta Delta Delta sorority explained, “I don’t know how it happens, but every girl just like, found the most adorable outfit in the world and wore it to recruitment.” While the anonymous sister could not explain how so many different tops were all “the single most gorgeous thing” she has ever seen, she insisted they were, and even continued to say that she was sure the next girl she would meet would be wearing “the cutest outfit” and that she’s sure the girl “totally looks like Jennifer Lawrence, or Beyonce or Salma Hayek if the girl is ‘ethnic.'”

While the Northwestern Office for Research was confounded by the idea that hundreds of different shirts, cardigans, and sweaters could all share the title of the “The Cutest Top Ever,” they have not been able to look into the issue with too much attention, as they have been spending the majority of their time trying to understand how every guy going through fraternity recruitment is “the dopest, chillest fucking bro on the entire campus.”

4 Responses to “Report: Every Single Girl Going Through Sorority Recruitment Has “Just the Cutest Top Ever””

  1. nu January 10, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

    This is the best

  2. gay January 10, 2013 at 5:53 pm #



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