World’s Worst: Animal Species

15 Jan
Do NOT, under any circumstances, give this animal "Bill Clinton sex."

Do NOT, under any circumstances, give this animal “Bill Clinton sex.”

If there is a God, why didn’t He command Noah to throw these assholes overboard?

It is a well-known fact that dolphins are smart motherfuckers. This is what makes them so awful. Evolutionary theorists claim that all mammals, including dolphins, evolved as land-dwelling creatures, but dolphins were evicted back to the sea after they organized and attempted to “eliminate the Koala Problem.”  Dolphins are also responsible for 10% of drownings of children under twelve. They have been known to put on Bill Clinton masks and pose as mermaids to small girls, who immediately either choke on whatever saltwater they’re swimming in or instinctively stop treading water to tightly cross their legs.

Like children whose parents named them Antoinette Dominique Le’Twatsia, this fish is literally destined to be a pretentious snot. This thing obviously goes to school, refuses to respond to nicknames, and corrects everybody on their pronunciation.

The Chicago Bears suck? The Chicago Cubs suck? The Chicago White Sox aren’t too shabby? This cannot possibly be a coincidence. In addition to The Curse of Sports Teams Named After Beary Things, many children have reported that their teddy bears come to life in the middle of the night for the sole purpose of giving their loving owners wet willies and purple nurples.  This is never said to happen with any other stuffed animals, just bears.

Look, the only groundhog anyone knows is Punxsutawney Phil.  And if that spoiled cunt is what the groundhogs elect to be their leader, their entire species probably all should be target practice. In addition to having a name that is literally impossible to write correctly without a spellchecker, Punxsutawney Phil engages on a yearly powertrip so senselessly cruel as to rival former Gov. Blagojevich’s entire life.

Every February 2, you can hear him gloating to himself: “You simply haven’t fed me enough caviahh in recent weeks. And the blowjobs were subpahh. OH LOOK. MY SHADOW.” This is fine to the folks in Texas, and torture to the entire Midwest area. No doubt Phil fancies himself the last vestige against global warming, but by May, my boyfriend is tired of waking up at four AM with me glued to his side for warmth and groundhogging all the covers.  The best scene in Groundhog Day is when Bill Murray drives over the cliff with the messenger of Satan groundhog. Not usually a huge fan of furriers, but Phil would make a great toilet seat cover.

I believe Sad Bones Malone said it best when he said, “Horses are dicks.”

It’s pretty obvious that birds and mosquitoes are in a massive power struggle. The birds eat the mosquitoes because they need to stay alive, and mosquitoes give birds the fucking West Nile because they can. The skeeters’ use of germ warfare and careless “suck every artery that isn’t slathered with 100% Deet” attitude is getting humans sick as well. It’s pretty clear who the assholes are here. Look, my dog is of a comparable size to a mosquito, and when she nips I don’t end up grating my skin off. The attention-whoring mosquito can’t just take what she needs and leave- she has to leave you an itchy souvenir. This is akin to having Charlie Sheen follow you home, eat the Joy Yee’s in your fridge that you were saving as Friday Night Drunchies, and wallpaper your kitchen with selfies.

Five-year-old me once stated in a blotchy home video that if I were given one wish, all of the world’s mosquitoes were getting replaced on the food chain with something less infuriating.  I’m so right sometimes.

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