Extreme Cold Abruptly Alters Texas Freshman’s Stance on Euthanasia

22 Jan

Yet another soul lost to a discussion section in Parkes Hall.

Yet another soul lost to a discussion section in Parkes Hall.

EVANSTON — A Texas freshman without proper winter attire has abruptly reversed her opinions on assisted suicide today.

According to witnesses, Austin native Michelle Turner had exited her 1835 Hinman dorm as per usual, on her way to a 9:30 AM lecture in Tech, when she suddenly fell to her knees and began to beg the heavens for “sweet fucking death, or else a working space heater and a scarf.”

Previously a passionate supporter of the right-to-life movement for both fetuses and terminally ill adults, Turner says that one cannot truly understand the emotions of those on their deathbed until they have had a similar experience, such as the feeling that comes from having one’s labia freeze shut.

“F-f-f-f-uck urrthnnng,” said Turner, through lips that apparently had cracked, bled, and frozen back together.

Although it has not been confirmed, Turner may also be revising her political opinions on abortion, allegedly stating that “it is just fucking inhuman to bring a child forth into this world if that child will have to endure January on the wrong side of the Mason-Dixon line.”

Added Turner, “I mean, TITS IT’S BALLS FUCKING COLD!”

In fashion news today, a young woman on Sheridan is allegedly still trying to look polished and put-together despite the trending sweats-on-sweats look of this season.

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