Cold Weather Forces Morty to Work From Steam Tunnels

23 Jan
Shrinkage? What the fuck is shrinkage?

Shrinkage? What the fuck is shrinkage?

EVANSTON — With the two consecutive coldest days of the year on record, Northwestern University’s unshakable emotional rock, President Morty Schapiro, has evidently been wracked by the cold weather according to sources in the Rebecca Crown Center.

Morty’s administrative assistant, Geneva Danko, told Sherman Avenue that he put on a second purple sweater and kept rubbing his hands together while muttering angrily. Danko stated, “Morty pulled out a thermometer, put it on his desk, and would occasionally yell ’Forty-six. It’s forty-six damn degrees in this office.”

Reports show that around 11:20 a.m., Morty screamed, presumably to no one and everyone, “Fuck it! I’m going underground,” while sweeping everything on his desk to the floor causing those around him to shudder in tremendous horror. Shortly thereafter, he disappeared under a green manhole cover.

Sophomore Grant Westmore, who was lost in the steam tunnels after wandering down there drunk, found Morty somewhere between Swift Hall and Deering. “Yeah, he had set up like a little desk and stuff,” said Westmore, “He was writing something down with a quill, all intent-like.”

A source close to the matter confirmed suspicions that President Schapiro was calling for permanent incarceration of his landlord for letting his office go below the 68 degree threshold and for Mayor Tisdahl’s resignation.

Upon finally reaching Morty and asking him about his relocation, Morty stated, “I go big.”

3 Responses to “Cold Weather Forces Morty to Work From Steam Tunnels”

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  1. Update: Roommate and Her Boyfriend Still Perfect Together « Sherman Ave - January 26, 2013

    […] is still together with her equally mopey and regularly stoned boyfriend.  The horrendously cold weather has thrust them somehow even closer together, and you’re stuck right there with them thus […]

  2. What Your Favorite (Cheap, Shitty) Beer Says About You | Sherman Ave - March 4, 2013

    […] It’s that magical time of the year again in Evanston: early March. Nobody has seen the sun in three months, finals are rapidly approaching as all of your friends at other schools gear up for spring break, and it’s so cold that Morty has moved his office to the steam tunnels. […]

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