Former USC football player O.J. Simpson, putting on gloves to protect himself from the bitter cold.
LOS ANGELES – Sources report that the University of Southern California student body received an e-mail from the school’s administration today announcing that extra campus shuttles will be running tomorrow, due to extreme weather conditions.
Since early last fall, meteorologists have been predicting that the Los Angeles metropolitan area would likely see the “coldest winter yet,” with temperatures dropping as low as 65°F, with even the possibility of some rain that’s almost cold enough to maybe seem like it could be snow if it were a lot colder. The university’s president, C.L. Max Nikias, explained that the university had contracted the shuttles in November as a precautionary measure.
“We understand that we live in a place that can get pretty cold,” stuttered a blanket-clad Nikias through a series of uncontrollable shivers. “But 67 degrees Fahrenheit? Fuck me, right? I should’ve taken that job at Rice.”
On Monday, the temperature hovered at a frigid 74°F, and students responded with horror and panic. Many refused to go to their film classes, and barely any students were seen at the beach.
“But like, oh my god,” said Jenna Blanche, a junior studying Journalism. “How is it, like, possibly this cold? I even left my North Face at home because I thought LA was supposed to be warm. I chose to go to school in California, not China or something. Ugh.”
USC football coach Lane Kiffin announced in a press conference this morning that the cold temperatures haven’t had much of an effect on him, as he has been spending all his time indoors, wallowing in anguish and making sweet love to his really, really hot wife.
Sherman Ave 
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