Budweiser Ads Inspire Drunk Men to Buy Clydesdale, Nation’s Daughters Thrilled

4 Feb

CHICAGO, IL — The day after Super Bowl Sunday has come to mark a national holiday for little girls across the country as tens of thousands of drunk fathers rush to buy the Clydesdale horses that appear annually in national Budweiser commercials.

A group of seven men who viewed Super Bowl XLVII at Callaway’s Pub in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood echoed the voices of many drunken men across the United States who happened to be well into their eighth beers as this year’s iconic Clydesdale Budweiser ad played.

“That man gave his horse everything he got, and it broke his damn heart when the fella didn’t recognize him after all those years,” claimed Lou Romano with tears welling in his eyes,  “Hell, nearly broke our damn hearts, too.”

“And it took place in Chicago!” added fellow bar patron Wayne Hill as he drained his eleventh beer while thumbing through the yellow pages looking for horse breeders.

Mitchell Callaway, owner of Callaway’s pub, said that the group of men usually get a little emotional watching sports’ championship ads after they have had more than six or seven drinks.  “Eddie’s wife, Jeanette, got pretty worked up last year when he bought four Chryslers because of Clint Eastwood’s ‘Half Time in America’ ad.”  Regarding last year’s impulse buys, Calloway said another regular Ralph Stein claimed, “’[he] can’t fail Dirty Harry.’ A lot of these guys tend to black-out pretty early into the games.”

Stein’s twelve-year-old daughter, Julie, and many young girls like her throughout the United States have begun to refer to the Monday after the Super Bowl as “Pony Day” and mark the date on their calendars every year.  “I think I like Pony Day more than Christmas and my birthday combined,” said Julie excitedly, “This is my sixth horsey, and I’m going to name her Rainbow!”

At the time of the interview, Stein asked his daughter to please lower her voice because of a “bitching migraine.”  He also threw up on his feet upon seeing that he bought another horse.

Danielle stands proudly with her new horse, Shortbread.

Danielle stands proudly with her new horse, Shortbread.

Clydesdale rancher Allen Buckley, based in central Michigan, reports that he has been flooded with emails.  “Given the economy, I don’t sell many Clydesdale’s most part of the year. That is until Super Bowl time.  I usually sell about 500 horses in a six to eight hour period.”  Buckley refused to speculate on a correlation between the Super Bowl and the sale of the horses, but he does find it fascinating.

“They’re beautiful horses, and they do tend to demonstrate just the most heartwarming acts of friendship, patriotism, courage, loyalty, and beer delivery.”

Historically, Monday morning polls nationwide show enormous fluctuations in how men are perceived by their families.  Men are seen to receive huge boosts in polls accounting for how they are seen as fathers while seeing an inverse drop in polls relating to how they are viewed as responsible husbands.

Despite the expensive advertising campaigns, Anheuser-Busch and other members of the American Brewers Association tend to report a several-week slump in sales around this time period, which is generally attributed to their core beer drinkers paying for the construction of stables.

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