Okay, so as most have you have probably heard by now, Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans to resign from his position as Holy See and Muslim-basher. While he hasn’t been clear on his motivation for resigning, one can only assume that it was because his faith in the Triune God (and any trace of goodness in this world, for that matter) was broken last night when Drake won Best Rap Album at the Grammy’s. Either that, or Silvio Berlusconi touched him in his no-no places and the emotional pain is just too overwhelming.
So our question is: What does Joseph Ratzinger (the ordinary, good-natured Hitlerjugend alumnus that turns into Pope Benedict XVI at night so he can fight crime, and also homosexuality) do now? Well, his first order of business is buying a new car. Sadly for Eggs Benedict, the Pope-mobile, which is seen by many to be the greatest perk of being the liaison between God and his humble sheep, is not part of any severance package or retirement bonus.
Benedict’s car search will be tough, considering that nothing will ever come close to the bullet-proof glory of the Pope-mobile. If the Poperooni wants to make a traditional car selection for people of his age (and God knows he’s a pretty traditional dude) (no literally, God knows it, because Benedict and God used to hang out and chat a lot), he could go for something like a Ford Taurus. But if Benny wants to get something a bit more edgy, he could try something like a Hummer – after all, that was the vehicle used by the United States to fight wars in the Middle-East, which Joey Ratz knows is full of inherently evil people.
Once B16 scores himself a hot ride so he can FINALLY stop having to take his Dad’s Volvo to pick up his dates, his next order of business is finding a new place to live. When his tenure as Tall Hat Man is officially over, he is going to be evicted from The Vatican like my meth-cooking second cousin was evicted from, well, The Vatican. Where does B-Dict want to spend the end of his days?
My first thought is Florida. It’s sunny and there a lot of old people. But there is also a huge Jewish community, and B-Man doesn’t jibe too well with the Jewish community. Alternatively, the RatzDaddy could spend his last years finding personal fulfillment in the third world, living in an underdeveloped community. However, there wouldn’t be much Internet service, and the Pope simply HAS to keep his Twitter updated in 9 languages. I think the Pope’s best bet is Arizona. It’s very warm, there are some areas that are secluded and not too busy, and he can find lots of people just as regressive as him. That being said, he might want to stay near The Vatican so he can continue brushing up on his Latin; my understanding is that there aren’t an awful lot of native Latin-speakers in Arizona.
At long last, Benedict XVI is all set. He has new wheels, he’s found a new place to live, and most importantly, he has probably changed his Twitter handle from @Pontifex to @JosephFratzinger or @PopeItDropItLockIt.