The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

2.     Macklemore: three shots deep

Can we take a minute to talk about how cool I am? I am going to take your grandpa’s style, your sister’s virginity, and your father’s wife. Then I’m going to make a popular music video whose lyrics deal with the incredibly deep topic of “how to alleviate the awkwardness of eye contact on Sheridan.” And then I’m going to send sexy semi-nude selfies to my moderately attractive TA, because why else would she put her phone number on the syllabus — what? Of course I saved it on my phone the first week…

3.     Lindsay Lohan: ready for Dillo

GUYZZZ I HAVEN’T HAD THIS MUCH FUN SINCE I SLEPT THROUGH EECS TODAY!  LET’S SEND BLURRY DUCKFACE SNAPCHATS TO MY MOM BECAUSE I WANT HER TO SEE HOW MUCH FUN I’M HAVING. I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN. LOLZ I HAVE SOOOO MUCH TO DO TOMORROW, I LIKE HAVE TO GO CANNING FOR DM AND STUDY FOR RUSSIAN LIT AND REGISTRATION IS THIS WEEK BUT WHATEVERRRR, RIGHT???  LET’S TAKE ANOTHER SHOT. OMG I’M LIKE BASICALLY READY FOR DILLO!!! WHO WANTS TO GO TO CHEESIE’S?????

4.     Thom Yorke: the next morning

thsss is whuut yuhhh get whn yuh messs wth rum.

I lssst muh phone. i lssst muh keys.

nvrr drnkng agn.