A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Picture

Maybe one day I can make the Academy forget about Gigli.

Oscar weekend is upon us, which means one thing: you have been hearing countless discussions of snubs, cinematography, and numerous people you’ve never heard of before (we’re talking about you, David Gropman – production design leader for Life of Pi). While there is not enough time to explain everything there is to know about the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and everything thing else Oscar-related, we here at Sherman Ave will stop at nothing to provide our blazed loyal readers with a brief guide to the Oscars that may help you to make your own uninformed judgments about this year’s nominees.

Let’s be honest, other than waiting for a potential nip-slip from Jennifer Lawrence, most people only watch the Oscars to see which movie wins best picture. So we’ll save you the time  of learning about the other categories (sorry sound mixing, maybe some day people will care about you) and give you a synopsis of each of the nominees for best picture:

Amour
France presents – Being Old is Terrible (but can be inspiring).

Argo
Ben Affleck pretends to be Hispanic and has a beard. Also known as, “Americans are badass – 1979 Edition.”

Beasts of The Southern Wild
Young, optimistic girl in Louisiana hopes to find her mother – and convinces entire audience to never move to Louisiana.

Django Unchained
Jamie Foxx and Quentin Tarantino attempt to recreate the blaxploitation film genre. Thousands of suburban white kids develop misconceptions about what slavery was like.

Les Misérables
The fodder to thousands of theatre majors conversations across the world. Also, proof that France doesn’t even know how to do revolutions right.

Life of Pi
Indian child is trapped on a boat for a really long time….I mean a REALLY long time. Seriously, he’s on that boat forever.

Lincoln
Remember how the Civil War was fought exclusively over the existence of slavery and the Union was full of equality-loving people who opposed slavery for entirely moral reasons? No? Well you’re wrong and stupid and Daniel Day-Lewis is going to monologue at you until you do.

Silver Linings Playbook
Even people with extreme neuroses can find love –  if they are super attractive and willing to lie to each other.

Zero Dark Thirty
Killing Bin Laden was awesome – let’s make a two-hour movie out of it. Also known as, “Americans Are Badass: Present Edition.”