If CAESAR Were Used At Hogwarts…

26 Feb


Harry:  Looks like everything is lined up except for my discussion sections!  I’m really lucky, I got into all the classes I wanted.  And it doesn’t matter who I have for my discussions, so it’s totally whatever.

Ron:  All the classes look pretty good to me, I guess I’m just going to have to single out which ones require the fewest textbooks.  Divination maybe?

Hermione:  I want to take the most interesting and challenging classes possible.  Probably Organic Potions, and maybe Defense Against the Dark Arts: An Econometric Approach.

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to use this absolute shithole of a program."

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to use this absolute shithole of a program.”

Neville:  I’m going to go for easy classes this quarter, because I’m incredibly incompetent.  Is there a wizarding equivalent to SESP?

Seamus:  Being proud of my Irish heritage, I’d like to learn more about the history of my people.  I mean, my last name is Finnegan, for fuck’s sake.

Draco:  I think I’ll go for classes that will benefit me the most in my career.  Serious classes.

Cho:  My parents want me to go pre-med.  I tried explaining to them that I’m a wizard.  I’ll really take anything at this point.  


Fun fact:  John Michael Bailey's class "Defense Against the Dark Arts" used to be called "Defense Against the Motorized Dildos"

Fun fact: John Michael Bailey’s class “Defense Against the Dark Arts” used to be called “Defense Against the Motorized Dildos”

Harry:  Okay, I really wanted that Tuesday 4pm discussion, but it closed out.  It’s okay.  There are other good discussion sections.  I mean, it’s not going to be as bad as that time my parents were murdered.

Ron:  Looking good, no spots taken in Divination after the first day.  Hell yeah!  Blimey!

Hermione:  Oh.  So I guess the two classes I want to take are at the same time.  I’ll just choose the class I prefer, and then figure out a few others to take.

Neville: Oh wow, there are tons of SESP classes!  Should I be taking Aging and Adulthood?  Wait, no.  I don’t think I’d like that very much.

Seamus:  Awesome!  Politics of Ireland, Modern Irish History, Early Modern Irish History, and Irish Literature are all classes, and they’re all open!  This is bloody fantastic!

Draco:  Hmm.  Intermediate Microeconomics looks good.  Public Speaking could be helpful.  Oh, and there are even spots left in Advancing Douching Techniques.  Perrrrfect.

Cho:  There are some cool classes here that seem pretty straight-forward.  Intro to Psychology, Intro to Sociology, Intro to International Relations — these should really give me some great information in various fields.  Excellent!


Harry:  Okay, the Thursday 4pm discussion is also closed out.  It’ll be alright.  I’ll get one on Wednesday afternoon.

Ron:  Still only 5 spots taken in Divination?  A 180-person lecture?  Bloody hell!

Hermione:  Great, so I found some more classes I want to take.  Microbiology with Professor Sprout and Seemingly Useless Charms That You’ll Probably End Up Using To Save Harry’s Life with Professor Flitwick both seem SO fascinating!  Outlook is good.

Neville:  SESP classes are still open!  Brilliant!

Seamus:  Okay, so I got blocked out of Politics of Ireland and Early Modern Irish History, but I can still take the other two, PLUS I should be able to get into Theories of Irish Communication and Plant-Irish Interactions.  Next quarter is going to be so splendid!

Draco:  CAESAR blocked me out of the classes I want, but I’m too ambitious to give up.  I’m going to e-mail all the professors and get permission numbers.  My father is influential so it should work out well for me.

Cho:  Still spots left in all my classes!  I wonder which discussions I should get!


CAESAR's patronus is rumored to be just a giant throbbing dick.

CAESAR’s patronus is rumored to be just a giant throbbing dick.

Harry:  GOD DAMNIT.  The only available discussions are now on Friday.  I really wanted to not have classes on Friday.  Ugh, whatever…I’ll just get them in late afternoon times so I can still go to The Deuce on Thursday nights.

Ron:  I’m literally the luckiest kid ever.  Still 164 spots left in Divination?  And I register at 9:30am tomorrow.  This is so cool!


Neville:  Okay, a few SESP classes closed out, but I assumed I’d run into some issues.  There are still several open classes I want to take!

Seamus:  Okay, it looks like I’m only going to be able to get into Irish Literature.  But there are some other good ones I’ll check out — I should be able to get into Famines of Ireland and Sociology of Irish Famines at least.  I’m disappointed, but not too much so.

Draco:  I sent my professors e-mails asking for permission numbers, and they all responded with dick pics.  What?

Cho:  Fuck.  If I’m going to get a spot in these classes, it’s going to be really close.


Harry:  And here’s the moment of truth…what’s open?  Looks like….wait.  No.  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  6:30am discussion with Snape?  Followed by…7:30am discussion?  WITH SNAPE?  And then 8:30am…….WHY DOES SNAPE TEACH EVERY DISCUSSION?!

Ron:  Twenty minutes ago there were 150 spots in divination.  Surely that little fucking blue square doesn’t mean what I think it does.

Hermione:  They’re all at the same time…and yet they’re all closed out.  I did some quick math and determined that this isn’t possible given the number of students at Hogwarts.  But I suppose CAESAR doesn’t acknowledge the laws of physics.

Neville:  They…they all have pre-reqs.  Every single one.

Seamus:  What are my options?  History of Modern Britain, Politics of the British Empire, History of British Subjugation of the Irish, and Anal Sex in Victorian Britain.  I guess this is what I should expect with a 6:30pm Saturday registration time.

Draco:  Well, looks like I’m stuck taking the Marriage class.  My father will have something to say about this.  He’ll probably say this.

Cho:  Okay, my registration is in 10 seconds and there are still at least two spots in each class.  Waiting….waiting…okay, 2:30, let’s do this.  Aaaaand…NO.  NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

3 Responses to “If CAESAR Were Used At Hogwarts…”


  1. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Everything Else | Sherman Ave - May 18, 2013

    […] CAESAR is going to happen to […]

  2. An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018 | Sherman Ave - December 13, 2013

    […] go on Caesar. Avoid that shit for as long as you […]

  3. Interpreting Northwestern’s Cold Weather Alert | Sherman Ave - January 3, 2014


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