A College Reward System to Get You Through Senior Year

28 Feb
I pooped in the big-kid toilet therefore I deserve some whisky.

I pooped in the big-kid toilet therefore I deserve some whisky.

It’s senior year, and despite the fact that I have yet to figure out what the hell I’m going to do after they kick me out of this university, the number of fucks I give about my classes every aspect of my life is approaching zero faster than you can say senioritis. So I’ve come up with a system in which I reward myself for doing the little everyday things. It’s sort of like getting a gold star for putting away your toys after playtime in kindergarten, but for grown-ups lazy-ass college students.

If you’re anything like my mom, you’re saying, “but going to class and doing your homework already has a reward, it’s called a diploma.” Besides the fact that you’re not being funny, working 40 hours a week at a less-shitty job than if I didn’t go to college is not going to keep me off Facebook during class. I need something immediate. Like candy. Or vodka. I’m not talking about one candy bar after a long day of classes and homework. That shit may have worked freshman through junior year, but it sure as hell isn’t going to cut it now that I’ve realized getting straight A’s will have virtually the same effect on my GPA as straight C’s (thank you, engineering, for making me take a full course load every fucking year). No, with this knowledge always at the back of my mind, I’ve had to start rewarding myself for even the simplest of tasks. So, just like putting toys away = 1 gold star:

Waking up = Going out to eat instead of making lunch

Putting pants on = Watching online TV for an hour (maybe two)

+ 1 hour if they aren’t sweat pants

+ 1 hour for showering first

Going to class = Naptime after

Paying attention in class = …actually I haven’t come up with a reward great enough to do this yet

Working out = Bacon!!

Looking for jobs = Extra cup of coffee

Doing homework for 1 hour= 1 cold beer (repeat for every hour of homework done)

Not copying the solutions manual = 1 article of clothing while online shopping (YAY NEW SHOES)

Making it to Saturday without showing up to class/work drunk and/or hungover = Mimosas with Brunch

If you find yourself with senioritis, I highly recommend following a rewards system much like this one. But be warned: although it does provide motivation to get things done, you will quickly run out of money and people may start to think you have a drinking problem. But you can’t be an alcoholic until after you graduate…right?

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