Incompetent Student Joins 90-Minute Club

8 Mar

EVANSTON – Sources report that McCormick freshman Aaron Butler proudly joined the famed “90-Minute Club” earlier this evening after experiencing a bout of uncontrollable vomiting, defecation, and sneezing that forced him to drop out of Dance Marathon after a mere hour and a half of dancing.

Butler beamed fervently as he recounted the incident that led to his ejection from the DM tent, starting with a hefty late lunch at Edzo’s Burger Shop only 3 hours before Dance Marathon began.  Butler cited this as the catalyst for not only the “mad case of the runs,” but also the “jetstream of wretch” that bystanders estimated at a velocity of 15 miles an hour.

For the kids!

For the kids!

“Then I couldn’t stop sneezing, but there were bits of vomit in my mouth still, so I was really just kinda barfing on everyone,” recalled Butler nostalgically.  “I’m honestly just very happy with myself for making it a whole 90 minutes.  Usually at big events like this the little stomach-people fly away after 20 or 30 minutes.”

Added Butler bashfully, “My mom always called them the little stomach-people.”

Weinberg junior Danny King, head of the Dance Marathon Janitorial Committee, arrived promptly after the cookie-tossing to clean up the mess and assure dancers that everything was under control.

“This kind of thing has happened before,” explained King.  “We just clean it up and move on with our lives.  Oh, and we also try to sell the vomit at the Dance Marathon auction that occurs during the dance.”

Several Northwestern faculty members came to the consensus that this was the most horrific event to happen at Dance Marathon since the memorably dreadful 2002 Dance Marathon, in which – due to a miscommunication of historic proportions – over $865,000 was raised and donated to NAMBLA.

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