An open letter to the Northwestern Kid who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough

9 Mar
Happiness Club does NOT count

Happiness Club does NOT count

Dear Northwestern Kid Who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough,

Let’s face it.  Every single person at this university is way busier than you, and everyone knows it. Uninvolved Kid, your lack of extracurricular involvement within Northwestern is like a giant dildo on the floor of a nursing home. We all know it’s there, but we really, really don’t want to bring it up.

Remember how you sobbed after realizing how fucking fat and lazy you’ve gotten since high school? How you dripped tears and snot onto your iPhone and Siri was like “whoa, this kid needs his mom” and called her for you? And how your faithful mom, who has been glued to her phone ever since that one time you rang her up about barfing in the BK lounge AGAIN, answered your moaning self-denigration with a “Honey! Of course that’s not true. You’re my little rainbow! Why, I bet everyone at your smart college thinks about themselves the same way.”

Well, your mom is a liar. Everybody at Northwestern thinks that YOU, dear Uninvolved Kid, are a lazy shithead. Because you are.

Take the number of clubs you are involved in at Northwestern. Multiply it by the number of times you’ve wanted to lick Ross Packingham’s happy trail after falling into paroxysms of procrastinatory Sherman Ave ecstasy. If my math is correct (which it should be, because like most Northwestern students I’m good at everything), then that’s the number of clubs that you SHOULD be involved in – and reasons why you should quit now and knit potholders for a living.

Because come on, you stinky little curmudgeon. If everyone else can do it all, then why can’t you?

Answer, again: you are an idle nincompoop. If our college campus were littered with wayward shitheads like you we’d be called “Turdwestern.”

Uninvolved Kid, I urge you to accept your status as VP of Beta Kappa Jizz. Because being the soppy ejaculate of Northwestern is more than okay! I mean, Northwestern’s better human beings need people like you as rungs for them to climb on their way up the ladders of their respective careers. Plus, what’s the only thing keeping those laughably overscheduled kids going as they nibble at Morty’s purple wool-chafed nipples for the funding they need to stay on Exec of the Committee for everyone having their own baby wildcat pet or getting Wifi in our assholes or whatever?  What’s the only thing keeping those kids sane as they wipe the Norris latte foam from their lips and slowly become one with the couch?

Why, you, of course. In between exec meetings, these future movers and shakers are having kinky fantasies in which they’re the CEO of the whole planet and you’re their little minion. You’re buying them extra tamales at Frontera Fresco. You’re unzipping your Willie the Wildcat costume for them in the Louis room. While they are blasting their throbbing listservs into Burgie Howard and Patricia Telles-Irvin, you are attending their meetings and taking their calls.

Seriously, Uninvolved Kid, you have a purpose! You can pat yourself on the back about that, if nothing else.

Now go cry into your Joy Yee’s and let the builders of our future change the world, one obsequious nipple suck at a time.

Gwyneth Effingmouth

7 Responses to “An open letter to the Northwestern Kid who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough”

  1. Syd Carton March 9, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

    Just because you have some kind of inferiority complex doesn’t mean that you should go off and insult a whole bunch of people on the internet for no good reason. I pretty much just sit around getting stoned all day, and I am perfectly content, so you can eat a dick

    • GWYNETH March 9, 2013 at 6:40 pm #

      i am not jealous of the nipple-nibblers syd. read carefully and maybe you’ll detect my screaming sarcasm. or maybe you’re too stoned to read

  2. Anon March 12, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    I wasn’t going to comment on this, but it’s been bugging me for several days now, and anything that’s been that hard to get off my mind is probably worth saying.
    This article was painful to read. This time a few years ago I was voluntarily removing every other meal into the lovely fourth-floor ladies’ room, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for any clubs here. Uninvolvement was not a choice for me, and I learned only after enough self-deprecating jokes that many freshmen coming to NU struggle with similar experiences.
    You, dear Susie, are blessed with charisma and talent and beauty and resilience, qualities that have allowed you the privilege of being involved in anything you choose, and qualities that not everyone shares. I know you didn’t mean to offend, only to be funny, but as someone who is supposed to be a leader to the incoming freshmen, try to have some perspective.

    • Gwyneth Effingmouth March 12, 2013 at 5:54 pm #

      I am sorry to hear your take on this article; it was not my intent at all. Recently I’ve felt as if Northwestern’s go-getter culture makes people feel obligated to be over-involved, so I wrote this article intending to lampoon that culture – NOT the student who feels isolated or pathetic or unworthy (because believe me, I’ve been there.)

      My intention was NOT to take a stab at “under-involvement.” I personally believe there’s no shame in having free time at this school. In fact, I admire people who make time for themselves rather than get swallowed by the constant stream of activities and events that Northwestern heaps on our plates every day.

      One last thing – Sherman Ave writers use pseudonyms for a reason, so next time you take issue with something I write please send me a personal note.

      I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding,

      • LD March 12, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

        *further sign that you’re a bad writer: Your work can be misinterpreted as truly offensive and you end up having to apologize in public. You aren’t funny and your attempt at lampooning was awful. No wonder you didn’t get into Harvard.

      • Anon March 13, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

        I decided against sending you a personal note. I don’t want you to treat me differently for what I said, and I didn’t want you to not listen to what I wrote because of who I am.
        You’re not a bad writer, or a bad person. Thank you for the apology.

  3. LD March 12, 2013 at 11:15 pm #

    This article is complete crap and your sarcasm is easily undetectable. It’s not funny and is insulting. You are a bad writer and, again, you are NOT funny.

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